Miscarriage

What a strange word. A word that I often used as I spouted on my soapbox of the many miscarriages of justice that exist in our society. Thinking only of the word as something that sounded somewhat intelligent or at least more intelligent than other words that I could come up with. It was such a weighty word- MISCARRIAGE. A charge if you will. Certainly a word to strike fear or at least illicit a strong response.

Never did I think the word would have so much meaning in my life. Now the word seems so slight for such a big happening. When I lost the baby people didn't actually use the word much, but it has come to haunt me over the last few weeks. I keep taking it out to inspect it...look at it from each side...try to understand how that word can describe the process of one day going to sleep with your child safetly tucked inside you quietly sleeping and the next to be empty again. It's a strange word. It sounds almost serene now...oops! I miss carried that...instead of the significant truth that it really becomes. My child is lost and I was the only one in charge of watching over her.

Just Breathe

Why does it seem that there is no time left to breathe? Sometimes I really think that all of the oxygen has been sucked out of the universe and we've been left with an atmosphere of other people's anxieties. Why is it so difficult to find a moment when breathing comes easy and the air is sweet again with the smell of lilacs clinging to it? I just want to get a big gasp in and drink in the air like a big cup of water after a hot day in the sun. Instead I attempt to practice the breathing techniques they teach you in childbirth class- 1 2 3 breathe 1 2 3 breath...while I wonder how I can stay awake for the hour drive home in bumper to bumper traffic behind other people who also lost the ability to breathe praying that I don't end up in an accident because the guy next to me is reading the newspaper while driving 45 in a 65. 1 2 3 breathe...

Love

I wish I could say what I want to say but can never say because to say what I want to say would be to say too much.