Missing

Tomorrow I will graduate law school. I will be walking across the stage in full academic regalia looking out at the audience and seeing my friends and family. They are so proud. You won't be there though. This triumph, made in part by your kindness, is what ultimately left you to part. It's strange to think that my life goes on without you even though at times I am still so angry and hurt by your parting. I feel as if you should be there as you've always been supporting me. Was law school even worth it? I lost you. I lost Lucy. How can this honor make up for the sacrifice that was made? I wish you were there.

Birthday

Lucy's due date is coming up. By now I would have likely been at home eagerly awaiting her arrival. All of us are thinking it and we miss her as if she was actually here. I have had people say to me that at least she wasn't born because how horrible it is for parents to lose a child. The thing is to me and it seems to many mothers it is the same thing. In my mind, I see her as a baby as a little girl with yellow curls bouncing behind her. I see her in a little dress stepping on the bus for the first time and I can hear her sweet laugh. I don't know. Maybe it's not normal, but it seems okay for me. An old school mate just lost her 11 week old son. I'm not sure how it happened, but it has instilled a great deal of fear in me. I feel for her and her family. I can't imagine how hard it is to explain to the other little kids. I'm 10 weeks pregnant now. We are excitedly cautious unsure at what point we will feel comfortable. Two ultrasounds with heartbeats, all tests come back with good numbers, and yet I am worried. For now, we're just concentrating on getting through the emotions that will come on Lucy's due date and making certain that she knows we don't think of the new baby as her replacement.