Everybody's Pregnancy

Okay, so I've been trying the positivity thing and getting some pretty good results. I've felt better and have had a bit more energy. Today though I'm dragging and I'm a bit stressed and a bit just...ugh! It really comes down to this...why is pregnancy the one time when everyone thinks it's okay to turn into something about them. I want to be excited when nine million people ask me how I'm feeling and discuss childbirth with me, but really I'm not. You know why? 'Cause they really don't want to know. It's like when they ask me when am I going to let myself rest and quit working. Today was just a tough day. Lots of questions and suggestions on when I should quit and what I should do with my work while I'm gone and how I'm pushing myself too far. Mind you, I gave birth about 6 weeks after the end of one semester of law school so really I'm not pushing that hard watching Amazing Race on Sunday night TV. Last time I felt very in control of my thoughts and how my pregnancy is going. This time I've just lost that. I feel like everyone is interjecting their opinion and trying to make decisions for me even if they are well-meaning. It doesn't help that I have a completely testosterone driven world. All of my friends are male. My husband's male. My doctor is male. My boss is male as is my closest colleague. While they try hard, their opinions just come across as patriarchal and at best ill-informed (with the exception of Casey who knows how to approach me). I think perhaps it is worse this time since I lost the ability to drive and rely on Casey for everything. I rarely have time to myself (Casey says work time is time to myself, but I do not think it counts) and even if I did take time I would end up feeling so guilty about it that it likely wouldn't be worth it. I used to hate the 60-90 minute commute each day, but I miss it now. It was the one time I could just sit with some thoughts and listen to music. I haven't listened to a CD is over a year. BLAH! Anyway, it was probably not necessary for me to rant this much, but I'm just feeling a bit out of control.

Positivity

I'm currently trying to work on being more positive. This summer has been crazy at work and the stress has really kept me down. The past few weeks I was starting to finally feel some of that second trimester energy, which is good considering I'm almost into the third trimester. Then last week I kind of plummeted again. I was just so exhausted from work. Saturday night I couldn't sleep and that led to all kinds of questions in my mind. I spent almost two hours crying and then being mad at myself for letting my emotions get the best of me. I just kept wondering if Lucy was born to another family and reliving the guilt of her passing.

Last night started out great. I was exhausted, but in a pretty good mood. Then something just snapped and I became so angry. Poor Casey was trying to be nice and get me things and I just felt like he was giving me an attitude so I lost it. I ended up staying up late and waking up all achy this morning. At some point in the midst of my shower this morning, I realized that my being negative isn't helping anything. In fact, being negative is taking so much more energy than being positive does. I am so blessed to have a great family, a job, another baby on the way, and that we were not hit like many families when Casey's job was eliminated.