So I've always planned on raising my children in a gender neutral environment. It's very important to me that they aren't forced to follow specific stereotypes simply because they were born male or female. I touted this philosophy to anyone who would listen before I had children and worked at integrating the philosophy after CJ was born. Recently, however, I've begun to realize how difficult that philosophy is to maintain. In some cases choices I made for toys or clothing colors or books were made simply because I liked them not because they "follow" my philosophy.
I've also noticed that when many people, myself included in some instances, talk of gender neutrality they really mean it more for girls than boys. I caught myself in this conundrum the other day and my reaction blew me away. We were at Kmart dropping in quickly to pick up a pail and shovel on our way down to the beach. We stopped by the clothing section to get a few things for CJ that could carry him until he's ready for spring/summer clothes as he just hit a huge growth spurt. CJ was running around, showing me things, and half paying attention. I was hurried because I wanted us to get the beach before sunset. He grabs a shirt, hugs it to him, and says something like, "Oh, Mama! This is my favorite. I love yellow. I really want it." I glance up from my rummaging through sales racks and say- "That's a girl shirt. Put it back." Then I stopped and thought what have I just said? Does that blow my whole philosophy out the window? I would never tell Ceirnan she couldn't have a shirt out of the boys section. I've been wearing boys clothes all my life. It would never cross my mind to say that to her, yet I'm telling CJ he can't have a girls shirt.
I honestly haven't been able to reconcile it yet or to decide whether to accept that now that he's in school I will be doing things differently or to go back and buy him the yellow shirt. I just know that my reaction surprised me and disappointed me a bit. In other aspects, we make decisions that we didn't even knew were gender neutral. We bought CJ a "Cleaning Caddy" and a little kitchen one Christmas. It never dawned on me that other people would think of these things as girls toys until a friend commented on them to that affect. I should have realized it when they were located in the "girls" section at Toys R Us.
The hard part is as much as we may want to make a difference and raise our children differently, the fact of the matter is they have to function in this society. Is imparting my believes that go against the mainstream going to jeopardize his or her happiness in the end or is imparting those beliefs going to make him or her grow into a self-sustaining, strong individual? Maybe it'll do both. I guess the best thing I can do is keep trying to balance out my kids' lives and try to hold myself accountable to my philosophy.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Breastfeeding
First, I just want to make clear that every mother needs to make a decision about breastfeeding on her own and in the best interest of her child. I have plenty of friends who have chosen formula or have supplemented with formula for a variety of reasons. I am not one of the women who looks down on other mothers for making decisions that are different than my own especially when those decisions are necessary for the happiness or health of their children. All that being said...here is my discussion on breastfeeding.
It's hard. LOL! No one tells women how hard and tiring breastfeeding can be, which is why many women get frustrated and give up. I was lucky. Both on my children took to breastfeeding immediately. Don't get me wrong there is a bit of a learning curve, but they both pretty much latched on right after the were born. CJ didn't let go for two years. I believe in the health benefits of breastfeeding and exclusively provide breast milk for the first year until cow's milk can be given.
It's amazing. It creates, in my opinion, a wonderful bond with your child and allows you time to soak up motherhood. Since they both loved to feed I spent the first 6-8 weeks feeding and feeding and feeding and feeding them. There are times when it doesn't feel amazing. When you are so tired you think you're going to pass out. When you do pass out and then feel guilty because maybe he or she could have fallen. When you realize that you will never again have the same shape you once did.
However, breastfeeding is especially important to me being a working mother. With CJ in particular, I really felt like I was missing out. I had to work;I was in law school during the evenings; and the commute was an hour or so each way. We really couldn't afford for me to stay home or at least we thought we couldn't at the time. The time that I spent breastfeeding was CJ and Mama time. It was the one thing I could give to him that no one else could. With Ceirnan a lot of the same feelings are there, but its not as stressful because my husband is a stay-at-home dad now, we live within five minutes of work, and I finished school.
I remember vividly breastfeeding in the car outside of the law school or running back to Philly (a 60 min. drive) to breastfeed quickly before turning around and going halfway back before school. It was stressful. The more stressful part was pumping. I know some women who swear by it, but the breast pump is my nemesis. I hate it. I hate all that it represents. I hate having to sit in my office and attempt to think about my child (who I am heartbroken to leave) and try to squeeze out enough ounces for the baby while I'm gone.
This time around it's easier. I'm pumping 2-3 bottles a day while she is only eating 1 bottle a day. I've got piles of milk frozen. It's awesome. With CJ I had to pump around 24-32 oz per day since I was gone so much. There were times when it just didn't happen. Then I would panic and be up half the night trying to get a bit more out. Then there are days, like today, when I forget the pump so I just sit here hurting and knowing that it's going to be that much harder tomorrow since my body is catching the signal that I don't need as much milk any more.
I'm glad that I do it. I feel good about it even when people think I'm crazy for it. Even when I get stares from people if I'm out. It makes me feel like I may never be able to give them all that they need, but at least I can give them this.
It's hard. LOL! No one tells women how hard and tiring breastfeeding can be, which is why many women get frustrated and give up. I was lucky. Both on my children took to breastfeeding immediately. Don't get me wrong there is a bit of a learning curve, but they both pretty much latched on right after the were born. CJ didn't let go for two years. I believe in the health benefits of breastfeeding and exclusively provide breast milk for the first year until cow's milk can be given.
It's amazing. It creates, in my opinion, a wonderful bond with your child and allows you time to soak up motherhood. Since they both loved to feed I spent the first 6-8 weeks feeding and feeding and feeding and feeding them. There are times when it doesn't feel amazing. When you are so tired you think you're going to pass out. When you do pass out and then feel guilty because maybe he or she could have fallen. When you realize that you will never again have the same shape you once did.
However, breastfeeding is especially important to me being a working mother. With CJ in particular, I really felt like I was missing out. I had to work;I was in law school during the evenings; and the commute was an hour or so each way. We really couldn't afford for me to stay home or at least we thought we couldn't at the time. The time that I spent breastfeeding was CJ and Mama time. It was the one thing I could give to him that no one else could. With Ceirnan a lot of the same feelings are there, but its not as stressful because my husband is a stay-at-home dad now, we live within five minutes of work, and I finished school.
I remember vividly breastfeeding in the car outside of the law school or running back to Philly (a 60 min. drive) to breastfeed quickly before turning around and going halfway back before school. It was stressful. The more stressful part was pumping. I know some women who swear by it, but the breast pump is my nemesis. I hate it. I hate all that it represents. I hate having to sit in my office and attempt to think about my child (who I am heartbroken to leave) and try to squeeze out enough ounces for the baby while I'm gone.
This time around it's easier. I'm pumping 2-3 bottles a day while she is only eating 1 bottle a day. I've got piles of milk frozen. It's awesome. With CJ I had to pump around 24-32 oz per day since I was gone so much. There were times when it just didn't happen. Then I would panic and be up half the night trying to get a bit more out. Then there are days, like today, when I forget the pump so I just sit here hurting and knowing that it's going to be that much harder tomorrow since my body is catching the signal that I don't need as much milk any more.
I'm glad that I do it. I feel good about it even when people think I'm crazy for it. Even when I get stares from people if I'm out. It makes me feel like I may never be able to give them all that they need, but at least I can give them this.
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