Raising A Daughter

I wrote this about a year or so ago after I had made a post on a friends Facebook status. 

The other day I commented on a friend's Facebook page.  The thread was related to raising daughters in a nation that is so gender dominated.  My comment went something like "My daughter is so girly.  It's driving me nuts.  LOL!"  Someone called me out on it.  I'm glad that she did, too.  When I reread the comment I realized how negative it sounded.  It actually sounded like I hated those traits in her.  Not only did the comment sound harsh, it really wasn't true. 

I love those traits in my daughter.  I love to see the compassion in her face as she hugs or rocks her babies.  I love knowing that she is modeling behavior she sees in me so I must be doing something right.  I love how her eyes light up when she sees pretty necklaces and how she always wants a string of beads around her neck.  I love that puts her bags over her arm the way I do with my purse.  I even let her wear her shiny church shoes in the middle of the week because she gets so much happiness out of it.  I love knowing that she will likely change phases a million times and that I have the honor of being at each stage.  I can't wait to do all of the "girly" things that I did so rarely growing up.  I can't wait to share some of these experiences with my own mother as well. 

All of these thoughts made me pause to think about why I never did these things when I was growing up.  Truth is some of it was lack of interest, but a lot of it was fear.  I was a tomboy. I grew up with brothers and boys around the neighborhood.  The only way to fit in was to show how tough I was.  Never ever cry.  Hide all the dolls before they come over.  Blow up your Barbies with the army men.  Never ever cry.  Pretend that tea parties are silly.  Never ever cry.  Only wear a dress when you have to because you are not pretty like the other girls anyway.  Looking back, it seems I was much sillier than the girls with whom I thought I did not relate.

Ceirnan is lucky.  She lives in a world where, if validated, she can be a strong amazing woman and still embrace her femininity.  I want her to have that- if she wants it.  I know that I still struggle with this on a daily basis.  It's only been in the past few years, thanks to an amazing friend, where I really think I've begun to understand that.  Does this mean I'm not going to try to shield her from the hypersexualization and generalizations that society still holds for women and girls?  Of course not!  I want her to understand that these inequities still exist and that she will be fighting them just as all of us do.  However, I want her to the opportunity to try all kinds of things without having to equate them to a boys thing or a girls thing.   She can ride a bike, play baseball, and serve tea to her huge collection of babies if she would like. And yes, she owns a lot of high heels and princess dresses, but if you ask her about princesses the first thing she will likely say is that princess are smart.  We like to make up our own princess stories where the princess saves herself. 


For her brother this means, he can have his nails painted and put on a princess hat or carry a purse if he wants.  For Ceirnan, it means saying baby as one of her first words, but saying Varoom (for her cars) and Hi Ya! (for karate chop) quickly there after.  It means that both of them can grow up knowing that they are beautiful, smart, and confident.  It means allowing her to teach her old Mama a thing or two about accepting yourself.  Gender neutrality does not need to mean a complete role reversal or a denial of what makes an individual special.  It means that all children should have the opportunity to learn, grow, love who they want, and be exposed to all kinds of activities to find their passions.

A year after I wrote most of this and I must say I love raising a daughter.  I was so scared when I found out she was a girl.  I was worried we wouldn't relate.  I was worried I wouldn't know what to say to her or how to help her through all of the challenges that life was going to bring her.  I am still scare to handle those middle school years, the mean girls at school (and make sure she's not one of them), dating, heartbreak, sex, all of those things that break you down a bit while you are growing up.  I want to be a good role model for her and make sure that she understands her worth.  I want that bright smile to keep glowing. 

This is kind of rambling.  I will follow up more with our stance on gender neutrality in the next post.

Extended Breastfeeding

Okay...so I'm coming out with it. I know this particular issue is one that gets people talking and one that most people do not understand. I participate in extended breastfeeding. Ceirnan is 28 months old and she still nurses. Yes, she can talk and usually signals that she's ready to go to sleep by saying, "Mama, I want to nurse." Yes, I was one of those people who used to say that a child who can ask to nurse is too old to be doing it. Yes, when I went to the breastfeeding class, I, and almost all the other pregnant ladies in the room, called the trainer crazy. And yes, there are times when even I think it might be a little creepy. There I said it. However, I am glad that I am trying the self-weaning method at least for now.

The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding for two years or beyond. That is why I knew I wanted to breastfeed my kids for at least two years. I didn't really think I would do it that long though. I figured once the kids started eating regular food, they'd lose interest. Neither one ever did. I know that there are benefits to allowing them to breastfeed longer. With CJ, I waited until he was about 26 months and then just stopped it one night. No warning for him. Little warning for myself. I just said he's old enough to stop now. What made that day different from the day before I do not know, however. He cried for a few nights and it broke my heart, but he survived and so did I.

With Ceirnan, I thought for sure she'd give it up. She's so active and not one who ever wants to go to sleep. Here we are at 28 months though and her nursing time is her favorite part of the day. I think it's partly because it's Mama and Ceirnan time. She gets me alone. I notice this the most when we are in big groups and she grows tired of all the noise. She's whisper in my ear, "I want to nurse." Well, this made me start reading more about extended breastfeeding and approaches to weaning. I started to think that the self-weaning method makes a lot of sense. Why did I up and tell CJ that one day he was my little boy and the next day he was a big boy and couldn't do this anymore? We didn't potty train him like that. We got him used to the idea of the potty and told him (essentially) to follow his bodies cues. It made me realize that it doesn't make any sense to force Ceirnan to stop feeding if she likes it and it's not hurting her.

I also started to look at research that shows breastfeeding for longer does provide benefits for children. Benefits include reduced risks for ear infections, better vision, decreased risk in diseases such as diabetes, heart disease, and central nervous system degenerative disorders. It also shows that children who are breastfed longer are more likely to be smarter. (See Dr. Sears article) A professor, Kathryn Dettwyler, who happens to teach here at UD, is an expert on breastfeeding and her research shows that children will naturally wean between 2 1/2 to 7. The research has been fascinating to read. What is more fascinating to me is how few women actually breastfeed. According to the CDC, only 14.8% of women are exclusively breastfeeding at 6 months and only 23.8% of women are breastfeeding at all at 12 months. There is lots of research out there and I am fascinated by the subject. I am particularly interested in why American women choose not to breastfeed at such high rates.

Okay, so am I going to let Ceirnan (or my future children) breastfeed until 7? No, not likely, but I don't see anything wrong with her feeding for a while longer. In fact, I believe I am providing her with beneficial nutrients to support her growth and greatly needed emotional support to help her be independent.

Baby-wearing Mama

I am a baby-wearing, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, bed-sharing, redirecting, positive parenting, gender-neutral encouraging, child empowering, human respecting, Mama. When I look at those titles I see them as positive things, but I know (and have heard from) many people who seem to think that by choosing to parent in this way, I am somehow going to hurt my children or stunt their emotional growth or be an overprotective parent.

I find these people to completely misunderstand the style of parenting that I embrace. Take discipline for example. When I allow my children to make their own decisions (about the little things) good or bad, they learn independence. We often ask our kids, “do you want to make a good choice or a bad choice (and truthfully, I would even change the word “bad” to another one if I had thought of that early on)?” when it comes to a situation in which their behavior is not stellar. For instance, if my two-year-old is ready to throw a fit rather than start yelling (although that does happen on occasion), I try to redirect her to something that will give her back some control. If she continues, she gets the question. The question then gives her back some sense of control. I am not telling her to behave herself. I am giving her the choice to make the best decision for herself in the given situation. Another question we often ask is do you want to (insert whatever I am trying to get her to do) or do you want to go to the naughty chair? Sometimes she makes the decision to pull herself together and sometimes she chooses to go to the naughty chair (and do whatever behavior we asked her not to do). Why? Why take this much time to deal with the situation? Why not just swat her or put her in her room or yell at her or tell her to shut up? Well, because those things do not teach her to own up to her choices. They only teach her that Mama (or Daddy) is bigger and has more power than she does over her life.

What I find interesting is that I have had people think that this method is too “soft” on them. People have sometimes tried to jump in to correct them while I am using the method to hurry the process along or because they feel children should not be allowed to make those decisions. It really puts me in a strange place and gets my defenses up. I believe it takes a village to raise a child, but sometimes the Mama Mayor (or Daddy Mayor or co-Mayors) need to be in charge. I am a good Mama. My children are good children. However, they are children. They don’t always know the rules. They don’t always know their limits. They don’t always want to be reminded that they are only 5 or 2. I’d rather have them maintain some control over their lives than to correct them on every small detail that will work itself out as they grow a bit older. Moreover, I usually try to ask myself is this behavior that needs to be corrected at all? Is it hurting my child? Could it hurt them or anyone else? Is it something that they should not be doing in another context (school for instance)? If none of those things are happening, I try to evaluate why it is bothering me? For instance, can my son have his nails painted or carry a purse if he wants? Sure. None of that hurts anyone. He’ll either grow out of it or embrace it, but either way it will be his decision. Will I let him wear something that is massively offensive to others (shirts with curse words) when he gets older, probably not, because part of claiming respect for yourself is respecting others as well.

I am not sure if anyone is going to be interested, but I am going to start exploring some of these aspects on this blog- mostly as a way for me to understand how I got here and to share an “alternate” way to parent. (I had no idea that I was “alternative” until I saw a special on TV that labeled a lot of our practices as such.) I also think it would be nice to share these thoughts with my children when they decide to become parents.

Back Again

I decided that I would like to start blogging here again. Sometimes it feels weird to keep two blogs going at once, but our other blog is really meant to be an update on the kids. It's purpose seems different to me so I often feel strange talking about specific issues or questions I have. I think I would like to keep it mainly for those cute updates and use this spot for my thoughts, questions, etc.

I guess what has inspired me to start this again is the lack of another suitable outlet. I, like many moms (and dads) I think, do not have a regular set of friends that I run with on a normal basis. We live far away from family and while we have some good friends here they are faced with same hectic schedules and lack of sleep that we are faced with each week. I am guessing a lot of parents feel this way. I use Facebook to reconnect with friends who are also raising children, but it would be nice to have a few girlfriends to hang out with on a regular basis. Life is also different out here. I never realized how much I missed my roots until my kids started to get a bit bigger. It's like my thought processes do not match those around me anymore. It leaves us feeling isolated even though there are lots of individuals that I like.

I think the thing I want to stress the most before I start blogging is that this is only my (or my and Case's) way of parenting. I never want anyone to think that I am looking down on or questioning how they parent their children. Everyone is different, but I think if we can share tips and thoughts we might be able to save each other a lot of headache and heartache as we try to mentor this beautiful babies into amazing adults.