I am a baby-wearing, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, bed-sharing, redirecting, positive parenting, gender-neutral encouraging, child empowering, human respecting, Mama. When I look at those titles I see them as positive things, but I know (and have heard from) many people who seem to think that by choosing to parent in this way, I am somehow going to hurt my children or stunt their emotional growth or be an overprotective parent.
I find these people to completely misunderstand the style of parenting that I embrace. Take discipline for example. When I allow my children to make their own decisions (about the little things) good or bad, they learn independence. We often ask our kids, “do you want to make a good choice or a bad choice (and truthfully, I would even change the word “bad” to another one if I had thought of that early on)?” when it comes to a situation in which their behavior is not stellar. For instance, if my two-year-old is ready to throw a fit rather than start yelling (although that does happen on occasion), I try to redirect her to something that will give her back some control. If she continues, she gets the question. The question then gives her back some sense of control. I am not telling her to behave herself. I am giving her the choice to make the best decision for herself in the given situation. Another question we often ask is do you want to (insert whatever I am trying to get her to do) or do you want to go to the naughty chair? Sometimes she makes the decision to pull herself together and sometimes she chooses to go to the naughty chair (and do whatever behavior we asked her not to do). Why? Why take this much time to deal with the situation? Why not just swat her or put her in her room or yell at her or tell her to shut up? Well, because those things do not teach her to own up to her choices. They only teach her that Mama (or Daddy) is bigger and has more power than she does over her life.
What I find interesting is that I have had people think that this method is too “soft” on them. People have sometimes tried to jump in to correct them while I am using the method to hurry the process along or because they feel children should not be allowed to make those decisions. It really puts me in a strange place and gets my defenses up. I believe it takes a village to raise a child, but sometimes the Mama Mayor (or Daddy Mayor or co-Mayors) need to be in charge. I am a good Mama. My children are good children. However, they are children. They don’t always know the rules. They don’t always know their limits. They don’t always want to be reminded that they are only 5 or 2. I’d rather have them maintain some control over their lives than to correct them on every small detail that will work itself out as they grow a bit older. Moreover, I usually try to ask myself is this behavior that needs to be corrected at all? Is it hurting my child? Could it hurt them or anyone else? Is it something that they should not be doing in another context (school for instance)? If none of those things are happening, I try to evaluate why it is bothering me? For instance, can my son have his nails painted or carry a purse if he wants? Sure. None of that hurts anyone. He’ll either grow out of it or embrace it, but either way it will be his decision. Will I let him wear something that is massively offensive to others (shirts with curse words) when he gets older, probably not, because part of claiming respect for yourself is respecting others as well.
I am not sure if anyone is going to be interested, but I am going to start exploring some of these aspects on this blog- mostly as a way for me to understand how I got here and to share an “alternate” way to parent. (I had no idea that I was “alternative” until I saw a special on TV that labeled a lot of our practices as such.) I also think it would be nice to share these thoughts with my children when they decide to become parents.
