So CJ received his first invitation to a birthday party for one of his friends from school last week. He was so excited. He couldn't wait to go. I on the other hand realized that we were starting a new phase. The phase where Mama is taking out of her comfort zone into the learning to make small talk with other parents you don't know and have nothing in common with. A lot of people who know me don't realize that I have a bit of social anxiety. Alright, more than a bit. I do fine in specific groups such as classrooms of students or volunteering at an agency, but I do not enjoy and have a lot of anxiety about situations that require small talk. I spent two days looking at this invitation before I even called to RSVP. The conversation with the mother was sufficiently awkward as I explained who I was and stated that CJ would be attending.
The other hard part is that most of the kids who CJ goes to school with have mother's who know each other. Most of the mom's stay at home and they all go to church together. We don't go to that church and Case says none of the mom's will even talk with him when he stands in line to pick CJ up. Needless to say, I was extremely nervous. The second issue was that the party was scheduled for Valentine's Day. Now I was not only going to have to pull it together and figure out something to say, I had to do it on a day I just wanted to spend with my family.
The party went fine. It was at Gymboree. Most of the mom's completely ignored me, but that was okay. The hostess was extremely nice and one of the other mom's said hi. Her daughter and CJ play a lot at school. It was okay. Most importantly CJ had a great time, which he repeatedly said to me. That was worth it, but it just made me realize I'm only at the beginning of this.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Moving?
Despite our frustration with not making everyone happy, we love being back. When we moved back to the East Coast almost seven years ago, I swore I would never move back here. I could not imagine wanting to live here- after all I had spent much of my early life trying to get out. We have been successful in Philly. We love the location. It's less than two hours to everything. I love the culture. I love the pace. I love that the ocean is so close. We've built a life there and because we were on our own we have very specific ways in which we do things. We've had lots of support from friends that have become like family there. It's been wonderful. It sounds terrible and it certainly isn't meant to hurt anyone, but we liked our solitude. We enjoyed our weekend trips and our ability to go where ever we wanted without hurting other people or accounting for our time. However, the big twist is...in the past year we've realized that we really want to move home.
Our family and friends are moving on, getting married, having children. The holidays come and we aren't here. CJ asks for his Pop Pop almost everyday. I have become extremely close with my mother and I miss her friendship when I am gone. I was such a tomboy and such a daddy's girl growing up that we didn't always get to spend as much time together. Now that I have my own daughter I want even more to have time with my Mama. To learn from her wisdom and to watch her enjoying her grandkids. It's important to me. I want my children to know their family. Even though we do a good job with phone calls and visits, it's not the same. My niece comes over to my parents a lot and I want that for my children too.
We'd like to stay out East until Casey finishes school in two years, but it's getting harder for all of us. We've been checking out jobs and I was even offered one at MU. It didn't pay enough though especially since Casey's tuition is paid. I guess we'll see how it goes. I will miss the East if we move back. I often just ask why everyone can't just come and live our dream. LOL!
Our family and friends are moving on, getting married, having children. The holidays come and we aren't here. CJ asks for his Pop Pop almost everyday. I have become extremely close with my mother and I miss her friendship when I am gone. I was such a tomboy and such a daddy's girl growing up that we didn't always get to spend as much time together. Now that I have my own daughter I want even more to have time with my Mama. To learn from her wisdom and to watch her enjoying her grandkids. It's important to me. I want my children to know their family. Even though we do a good job with phone calls and visits, it's not the same. My niece comes over to my parents a lot and I want that for my children too.
We'd like to stay out East until Casey finishes school in two years, but it's getting harder for all of us. We've been checking out jobs and I was even offered one at MU. It didn't pay enough though especially since Casey's tuition is paid. I guess we'll see how it goes. I will miss the East if we move back. I often just ask why everyone can't just come and live our dream. LOL!
Home
So we are in Kansas City. It's the first trip we've made here since last May for my brother's wedding. Coming home is always complicated and it always brings up a lot of emotionsfor Casey and I. It never seems like there is enough time to see everyone and inevitably someone's feelings get hurt or someone feels slighted. For weeks before the trip, I get nervous and stressed out about how we are going to keep everyone happy. Casey gets stressed as well too mostly listening to me try to work out what I think will work best. I try to come up with the greatest plan to make sure everyone is happy. The plan lasts until we touch down in Kansas City and then out the window it goes. I always end up finding myself changing the plans as people get frustrated. Don't get me wrong. I know it's only because everyone loves us and wants to see us. It's getting harder though now that we have two children.
Casey and I also created a precedent years ago before we had children where we don't stay together when we are in town either. I stay at my family home and he stays at his. It always used to work well, but this time it's been really hard. I'm up all night with the baby and don't have that normal support that I have at home. My parents are always saying just to wake them up, but I just can't seem to do that especially since its often only for a glass of water or just someone to tell me it's okay that I am crying from sleep deprivation. The worst part is that I know if I just tell Casey that he has to come over he would, but then I feel guilty and bad that I can't do it all on my own. It drives him crazy because I won't just tell him what I want. As if I know.
I told him yesterday that I needed him to come and spend the night. He did. We got back to my house from his Mom's around 8pm. I managed to grab a little nap before Ceirnan wanted to each again. He brought her down for her feeding after I had napped about an hour. She really enjoys staying up late so I knew this feeding would just get her going. After she was fed she was ready to party. It was around 12:30 a.m. Casey asked if he should stay up or go to sleep. I told him I didn't want to talk about it and let him go to sleep. Why couldn't I just say- yes, take her? I didn't want him to ask "should I stay up?" I wanted him to just take her and say you should sleep. Is that fair? Probably not. I am terrible at saying what I need because I feel like it means I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. Ceirnan must have been happy to have her Daddy there though sleeping in the bed with us because she slept for 5 1/2 hours. The longest yet!
I think the hardest part is that Case and I don't get a chance to connect at the end of the day. Living so far away from everyone really creates a unity because you must completely rely on each other. We don't have grandparents to call and watch our kids. We are almost always all together as a family. Casey and I rarely make even little decisions without checking in with each other because our actions are so interdependent. When we get to town it's like that line is just cut and it always stuns me. Suddenly it's like we're back to being kids talking on the phone late at night. Maybe I'm just being selfish, but it is hard.
I'm not sure how much of this even makes since. I do feel a bit more rested, but my brain still isn't tracking as well as it should. I love our family and I love visiting...I just wish we had our own house here too so we could all be together at the end of the day.
Casey and I also created a precedent years ago before we had children where we don't stay together when we are in town either. I stay at my family home and he stays at his. It always used to work well, but this time it's been really hard. I'm up all night with the baby and don't have that normal support that I have at home. My parents are always saying just to wake them up, but I just can't seem to do that especially since its often only for a glass of water or just someone to tell me it's okay that I am crying from sleep deprivation. The worst part is that I know if I just tell Casey that he has to come over he would, but then I feel guilty and bad that I can't do it all on my own. It drives him crazy because I won't just tell him what I want. As if I know.
I told him yesterday that I needed him to come and spend the night. He did. We got back to my house from his Mom's around 8pm. I managed to grab a little nap before Ceirnan wanted to each again. He brought her down for her feeding after I had napped about an hour. She really enjoys staying up late so I knew this feeding would just get her going. After she was fed she was ready to party. It was around 12:30 a.m. Casey asked if he should stay up or go to sleep. I told him I didn't want to talk about it and let him go to sleep. Why couldn't I just say- yes, take her? I didn't want him to ask "should I stay up?" I wanted him to just take her and say you should sleep. Is that fair? Probably not. I am terrible at saying what I need because I feel like it means I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. Ceirnan must have been happy to have her Daddy there though sleeping in the bed with us because she slept for 5 1/2 hours. The longest yet!
I think the hardest part is that Case and I don't get a chance to connect at the end of the day. Living so far away from everyone really creates a unity because you must completely rely on each other. We don't have grandparents to call and watch our kids. We are almost always all together as a family. Casey and I rarely make even little decisions without checking in with each other because our actions are so interdependent. When we get to town it's like that line is just cut and it always stuns me. Suddenly it's like we're back to being kids talking on the phone late at night. Maybe I'm just being selfish, but it is hard.
I'm not sure how much of this even makes since. I do feel a bit more rested, but my brain still isn't tracking as well as it should. I love our family and I love visiting...I just wish we had our own house here too so we could all be together at the end of the day.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Ceirnan's Birth: Faster Delivery, Longer Recovery
So she is nearing three weeks old and I am just sitting to write out her birth story. It's been an adjustment, but I will get to all of that later. For now, I'll start at the beginning.
I would say Ceirnan's birth story started way before her actual birth date. On Thanksgiving (4 days before she was born), I woke up feeling really sick. I spent the day in a chair in our living room with a wash cloth over my eyes because my head hurt so badly. It seemed I had developed a sinus infection or something. I went through 2 full boxes of tissue that day and even had to give myself a breathing treatment. I kept trying to decide if I should go to the hospital because I had just finished taking antibiotics and my doctor had warned me if they didn't work, I could have something serious. I decide not to go though and just drank a lot of hot tea and wrapped up in a blanket. I was truly miserable.
The next day I woke up feeling a bit better. We were planning on putting up our Christmas tree and I didn't want to miss seeing CJ's face. Around 9 am, I started having contractions. At first, I thought they were braxton hicks, but they quickly developed into a pattern. I waited about 3 hours until the contractions were around 7-8 minutes apart for awhile. I decided to take a shower in case it was for real. After the shower, I laid back down for a bit and the contractions tampered off.
The rest of the weekend was rather uneventful. I had some more contractions, but nothing quite as rhythmic as Friday morning. We spent Sunday giving CJ all of our time. We went for a long drive with my Dad who had come into town on Tuesday to be with us. We had a great lunch at a cute pub by the bay, took CJ to the park, and got ice cream. That night I packed my bag for the hospital since I had a doctor's appointment in the morning. I did not want to change Organ's when we moved from Philadelphia to Newark so I wanted to take my bag with me just in case. Newark to Philly is around an hour away.
Monday morning came and I woke up feeling like this was they day. I had no idea though how things would go. I first had to go to the ultrasound office for a biophysical ultrasound and non-stress test. The tech couldn't do a great non-stress test, but took my blood pressure and was concerned because it was pretty high- 180/100. I went to the ultrasound room for the biophysical scan. The baby looked good. Good breathing. Amniotic fluid levels were good. Heart rate was good. The tech went to get the ultrasound specialist to clear me so I could head to Dr. Shawl's for my regular appointment. In the meantime, another nurse came in and took my blood pressure again. It was down a bit, but not great. The specialist decided to call Dr. Shawl to see what he recommended. Next thing I knew it, I was checking in on the maternity ward. Dr. Shawl had decided I should go ahead and deliver just in case.
CJ was an induction so I knew a little of what to expect. I got changed, got my IV in, tried to get comfortable in the bed, and waited. Dr. Shawl came over and checked me. Sure enough I had already been contracting and was dilated to between 3-4, 100% effaced. He broke my water and the contractions began coming fast and hard. I was almost immediately in a rhythm at about every 5 minutes. Dr. Shawl put an internal monitor in, which attaches to the baby's head. We were off. After about an hour, the nurse came in and started some petocin to speed up the contractions. They were about every 3 minutes at this point and the petocin really stepped up the level of pressure. I had been doing okay until then. I was still coughing quite a bit and had a lot of congestion. I was trying to rest because I was afraid I wouldn't have enough strength to push. As the pain level rose, so did my blood pressure at some points reaching over 200. The nurses explained that pain will increase the pressure and asked me if I wanted an epidural. I had one with CJ, but I had hoped to avoid it or at least wait a bit longer. I had done almost all of CJ's without one and really felt like I could have avoided it if I had known how close I was to the end when I finally gave in. This time I was getting concerned over my pressure though and honestly was feeling exhausted already even a bit defeated. I decided to go for it.
After the epidural was in, I simply rolled over and closed my eyes. This time around was so different from CJs. During his delivery, it was like a party. My dad and best friend John were there along with Casey and we watched movies, joked around, listened to music. This time, I just slept while Casey did homework. Around 4pm I sat straight up realizing that I had to throw up. Poor Casey couldn't find anything other than a bed pan for me to use. Luckily it was clean. Around 5:30 pm Dr. Shawl came in and said I was 7 cm dilated. I thought "we are in for a long night". The epidural was wearing off and I began to feel more contractions. About an hour later, the nurse came in and said Dr. Shawl said it was about time to push. I was surprised to say the least given I had only been about 7 cm.
Dr. Shawl came in almost right behind her and started setting up. Suddenly I started feeling the urge to push. It was like seeing the equipment set my body in motion. Dr. Shawl laughed and told me to hold on a minute so he could go pee. He is such a crazy doc. By the time be got back in there, I thought I was going to split in two. He came over and told me to push. I took the position (chin down, legs up), and started pushing. I was amazed at how normal it felt. With CJ, I remember not even knowing how to push correctly. I pushed down with all my might until around the count of 7. Then Dr. Shawl said to stop. I was confused a second since it was my first push, but I heard him with the suction. I sat forward and said is she out? Dr. Shawl said she will be with one more push. I pushed again and out she came. Two pushes! I was in shock. I pushed with CJ for 90 minutes or so. Just I was trying to comprehend she was really out, I heard him say...it's a girl!
I sat straight up. What? Then Casey saying...What? Are you kidding? The noises slowly faded to the background. We thought it was a going to be a boy. We weren't sure and had her name picked out in case, but we were still in shock. Suddenly I looked at Casey and he looked as white as a ghost. He started to pass out. This was something we knew might happened as he hates all medical things and the sight of blood. The medical staff began working on him as he sank into a chair. My nurse however laid Ceirnan on my stomach and I got lost in her eyes. I hugged her and kissed her. I had not been aware that Casey got faint because he had seen her arm. At that moment, I heard Dr. Shawl say to call the neonatologist that something was wrong.
Ceirnan's right arm had a strange wound pattern and the forearm was smaller than her left forearm. The doctors came in and frankly had no idea what was wrong with her. They said she had to go to the NICU for the night at least and that they would start her on antibiotics. They continued to check her out while Dr. Shawl sewed me up and helped me deliver the placenta. It's always strange to me how the birth seems natural but the rest of it seems so medical. I suddenly became acutely aware of the massive number of people in the room as Dr. Shawl continued to joke and chat with me. My nurse was so wonderful. She insisted that I get to spend some time with the baby and stated she would bring Ceirnan down in a few minutes. I put Cerinan to the breast and cuddled her for about 20-30 minutes. By this time Casey was okay, but we were both in such shock. It came time for her to go much too soon and I said good-bye as they wheeled her away.
I got up and headed to the bathroom. I walked around for about 10 minutes and was feeling pretty good. Then suddenly it was my turn to go faint. I quickly sat and couldn't get up. They brought down my bed for transport, but I couldn't walk to it. After about 5 minutes, I forced myself to get up knowing that the sooner I could lay down the better I would feel. They wheeled my upstairs where I went into my room. The nice part of PA hospital and my insurance is that I had a private room with a pull out bed for Casey. He headed down to the NICU to be with Ceirnan as I settled in for an IV bad of fluids. The nurse kept coming in to check my pressure as it remained high. I was told that as soon as the fluids were in my system I could go see Ceirnan. What I wasn't told is that the bag wouldn't be done until around 4 am.
That night was really hard as I was still feeling the staring of high blood pressure and was so concerned about her. Case stayed down there most of the night until he was having a hard time staying awake while holding her. The next morning I went down and greeted by a whole team of doctors who basically said no one knows what happened, but we think she is going to be just fine. The next three days Ceirnan stayed in the NICU. The NICU was strange. The nurses were incredible and I felt blessed knowing the Ceirnan was not as sick as many of the other babies there. However, it was still terrifying. It was hard to hold her because of all of the wires. Her leads kept falling off, which would set off an alarm. The room was filled with the sounds of beeping and loud noises. It always seemed really dark too. She was so tiny to me, but bigger than most of the babies there. Her discharge weight was 6lbs 6oz compared to CJ's 7lbs 9oz. Since I am breastfeeding, I trekked from the 5th to the 2nd floor every couple of hours. I would have stayed down there all day, but I need to get regular blood pressure checks. My blood pressure was slowly gong down, but was still not good.
I don't think it helped that no one really could say what happened to our girl. She was blessed to be seen by some of the top docs in the country. She had a team including a pediatrician, dermatologists, interns, neonatologists, and plastic surgeons looking her over. The specialists were all from CHOP and were extremely interested in her case. Originally they thought the umbilical cord might have been wrapped around her arm, then they considered an amniotic band which is tissue that cuts off circulation, or aplaysia which causes skin not to grow in certain areas. None of them to fit exactly though. The reality is we will likely never know what happened. They all decided to finally let us go though with several appointments set up for follow-up. Dr. Shawl kept me an extra day. Ceirnan was kept an extra day too. We were finally discharged on December 3 in the afternoon.
Since we've been home there have been lots of doctors appointments both with her pediatrician and with the specialist at CHOP. Despite being scary, Ceirnan did wonderful and we are just so happy that she is here and is doing well. Her arm is healing nicely. She will likely require physical therapy for her hand and her arm will likely stay thinner than her other arm. Still, she is happy and healthy. I plan on writing more about this whole process later.
I would say Ceirnan's birth story started way before her actual birth date. On Thanksgiving (4 days before she was born), I woke up feeling really sick. I spent the day in a chair in our living room with a wash cloth over my eyes because my head hurt so badly. It seemed I had developed a sinus infection or something. I went through 2 full boxes of tissue that day and even had to give myself a breathing treatment. I kept trying to decide if I should go to the hospital because I had just finished taking antibiotics and my doctor had warned me if they didn't work, I could have something serious. I decide not to go though and just drank a lot of hot tea and wrapped up in a blanket. I was truly miserable.
The next day I woke up feeling a bit better. We were planning on putting up our Christmas tree and I didn't want to miss seeing CJ's face. Around 9 am, I started having contractions. At first, I thought they were braxton hicks, but they quickly developed into a pattern. I waited about 3 hours until the contractions were around 7-8 minutes apart for awhile. I decided to take a shower in case it was for real. After the shower, I laid back down for a bit and the contractions tampered off.
The rest of the weekend was rather uneventful. I had some more contractions, but nothing quite as rhythmic as Friday morning. We spent Sunday giving CJ all of our time. We went for a long drive with my Dad who had come into town on Tuesday to be with us. We had a great lunch at a cute pub by the bay, took CJ to the park, and got ice cream. That night I packed my bag for the hospital since I had a doctor's appointment in the morning. I did not want to change Organ's when we moved from Philadelphia to Newark so I wanted to take my bag with me just in case. Newark to Philly is around an hour away.
Monday morning came and I woke up feeling like this was they day. I had no idea though how things would go. I first had to go to the ultrasound office for a biophysical ultrasound and non-stress test. The tech couldn't do a great non-stress test, but took my blood pressure and was concerned because it was pretty high- 180/100. I went to the ultrasound room for the biophysical scan. The baby looked good. Good breathing. Amniotic fluid levels were good. Heart rate was good. The tech went to get the ultrasound specialist to clear me so I could head to Dr. Shawl's for my regular appointment. In the meantime, another nurse came in and took my blood pressure again. It was down a bit, but not great. The specialist decided to call Dr. Shawl to see what he recommended. Next thing I knew it, I was checking in on the maternity ward. Dr. Shawl had decided I should go ahead and deliver just in case.
CJ was an induction so I knew a little of what to expect. I got changed, got my IV in, tried to get comfortable in the bed, and waited. Dr. Shawl came over and checked me. Sure enough I had already been contracting and was dilated to between 3-4, 100% effaced. He broke my water and the contractions began coming fast and hard. I was almost immediately in a rhythm at about every 5 minutes. Dr. Shawl put an internal monitor in, which attaches to the baby's head. We were off. After about an hour, the nurse came in and started some petocin to speed up the contractions. They were about every 3 minutes at this point and the petocin really stepped up the level of pressure. I had been doing okay until then. I was still coughing quite a bit and had a lot of congestion. I was trying to rest because I was afraid I wouldn't have enough strength to push. As the pain level rose, so did my blood pressure at some points reaching over 200. The nurses explained that pain will increase the pressure and asked me if I wanted an epidural. I had one with CJ, but I had hoped to avoid it or at least wait a bit longer. I had done almost all of CJ's without one and really felt like I could have avoided it if I had known how close I was to the end when I finally gave in. This time I was getting concerned over my pressure though and honestly was feeling exhausted already even a bit defeated. I decided to go for it.
After the epidural was in, I simply rolled over and closed my eyes. This time around was so different from CJs. During his delivery, it was like a party. My dad and best friend John were there along with Casey and we watched movies, joked around, listened to music. This time, I just slept while Casey did homework. Around 4pm I sat straight up realizing that I had to throw up. Poor Casey couldn't find anything other than a bed pan for me to use. Luckily it was clean. Around 5:30 pm Dr. Shawl came in and said I was 7 cm dilated. I thought "we are in for a long night". The epidural was wearing off and I began to feel more contractions. About an hour later, the nurse came in and said Dr. Shawl said it was about time to push. I was surprised to say the least given I had only been about 7 cm.
Dr. Shawl came in almost right behind her and started setting up. Suddenly I started feeling the urge to push. It was like seeing the equipment set my body in motion. Dr. Shawl laughed and told me to hold on a minute so he could go pee. He is such a crazy doc. By the time be got back in there, I thought I was going to split in two. He came over and told me to push. I took the position (chin down, legs up), and started pushing. I was amazed at how normal it felt. With CJ, I remember not even knowing how to push correctly. I pushed down with all my might until around the count of 7. Then Dr. Shawl said to stop. I was confused a second since it was my first push, but I heard him with the suction. I sat forward and said is she out? Dr. Shawl said she will be with one more push. I pushed again and out she came. Two pushes! I was in shock. I pushed with CJ for 90 minutes or so. Just I was trying to comprehend she was really out, I heard him say...it's a girl!
I sat straight up. What? Then Casey saying...What? Are you kidding? The noises slowly faded to the background. We thought it was a going to be a boy. We weren't sure and had her name picked out in case, but we were still in shock. Suddenly I looked at Casey and he looked as white as a ghost. He started to pass out. This was something we knew might happened as he hates all medical things and the sight of blood. The medical staff began working on him as he sank into a chair. My nurse however laid Ceirnan on my stomach and I got lost in her eyes. I hugged her and kissed her. I had not been aware that Casey got faint because he had seen her arm. At that moment, I heard Dr. Shawl say to call the neonatologist that something was wrong.
Ceirnan's right arm had a strange wound pattern and the forearm was smaller than her left forearm. The doctors came in and frankly had no idea what was wrong with her. They said she had to go to the NICU for the night at least and that they would start her on antibiotics. They continued to check her out while Dr. Shawl sewed me up and helped me deliver the placenta. It's always strange to me how the birth seems natural but the rest of it seems so medical. I suddenly became acutely aware of the massive number of people in the room as Dr. Shawl continued to joke and chat with me. My nurse was so wonderful. She insisted that I get to spend some time with the baby and stated she would bring Ceirnan down in a few minutes. I put Cerinan to the breast and cuddled her for about 20-30 minutes. By this time Casey was okay, but we were both in such shock. It came time for her to go much too soon and I said good-bye as they wheeled her away.
I got up and headed to the bathroom. I walked around for about 10 minutes and was feeling pretty good. Then suddenly it was my turn to go faint. I quickly sat and couldn't get up. They brought down my bed for transport, but I couldn't walk to it. After about 5 minutes, I forced myself to get up knowing that the sooner I could lay down the better I would feel. They wheeled my upstairs where I went into my room. The nice part of PA hospital and my insurance is that I had a private room with a pull out bed for Casey. He headed down to the NICU to be with Ceirnan as I settled in for an IV bad of fluids. The nurse kept coming in to check my pressure as it remained high. I was told that as soon as the fluids were in my system I could go see Ceirnan. What I wasn't told is that the bag wouldn't be done until around 4 am.
That night was really hard as I was still feeling the staring of high blood pressure and was so concerned about her. Case stayed down there most of the night until he was having a hard time staying awake while holding her. The next morning I went down and greeted by a whole team of doctors who basically said no one knows what happened, but we think she is going to be just fine. The next three days Ceirnan stayed in the NICU. The NICU was strange. The nurses were incredible and I felt blessed knowing the Ceirnan was not as sick as many of the other babies there. However, it was still terrifying. It was hard to hold her because of all of the wires. Her leads kept falling off, which would set off an alarm. The room was filled with the sounds of beeping and loud noises. It always seemed really dark too. She was so tiny to me, but bigger than most of the babies there. Her discharge weight was 6lbs 6oz compared to CJ's 7lbs 9oz. Since I am breastfeeding, I trekked from the 5th to the 2nd floor every couple of hours. I would have stayed down there all day, but I need to get regular blood pressure checks. My blood pressure was slowly gong down, but was still not good.
I don't think it helped that no one really could say what happened to our girl. She was blessed to be seen by some of the top docs in the country. She had a team including a pediatrician, dermatologists, interns, neonatologists, and plastic surgeons looking her over. The specialists were all from CHOP and were extremely interested in her case. Originally they thought the umbilical cord might have been wrapped around her arm, then they considered an amniotic band which is tissue that cuts off circulation, or aplaysia which causes skin not to grow in certain areas. None of them to fit exactly though. The reality is we will likely never know what happened. They all decided to finally let us go though with several appointments set up for follow-up. Dr. Shawl kept me an extra day. Ceirnan was kept an extra day too. We were finally discharged on December 3 in the afternoon.
Since we've been home there have been lots of doctors appointments both with her pediatrician and with the specialist at CHOP. Despite being scary, Ceirnan did wonderful and we are just so happy that she is here and is doing well. Her arm is healing nicely. She will likely require physical therapy for her hand and her arm will likely stay thinner than her other arm. Still, she is happy and healthy. I plan on writing more about this whole process later.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Self
I am so happy being a mother. I think motherhood brought out qualities in me that I never imagined I had. For instance, I am so patient with CJ. I can sit, fascinated watching him try something over and over when my normal personality would be to jump in and do it for him. It's just so neat to see him achieve something on his own. I can take slow walks and ignore my calendar. I no longer need a watch or have to check the time every 10 minutes. It's great. I believe most people would say I've always been pretty understanding and sympathetic perhaps to a fault, but motherhood has really brought more things into perspective for me. It often makes me pause to truly see what impact my actions are having on the world around me and how that will then impact my children's lives and the lives of those around them.
This being said...it's sometimes strange to see the new person I've become. I sometimes feel that I've left too much of myself go. Before I had CJ I swore I wouldn't be one of those moms who lost everything for the sake of the children (yeah...I didn't even realize how judgemental that sounded). Now, I look back and wonder where that woman went. I was the type who took time for herself, journaled, went to movies alone, even vacationed alone sometimes. I liked my solitude and enjoyed spending time trying to figure out me. Now the only time I am not around others is the 10 minutes I take a shower in the morning (if I am lucky and no one comes in to use the restroom). I haven't journaled in years and every time I decide I want to do something for myself (take a pottery class, sign up for yoga, etc) I end up feeling guilty because it takes money and time. I don't know...it's really strange. Now, we are on the brink of adding to the family so I see no sign of this changing. I know it's up to me to allow myself time and to return the parts of me I am missing.
This being said...it's sometimes strange to see the new person I've become. I sometimes feel that I've left too much of myself go. Before I had CJ I swore I wouldn't be one of those moms who lost everything for the sake of the children (yeah...I didn't even realize how judgemental that sounded). Now, I look back and wonder where that woman went. I was the type who took time for herself, journaled, went to movies alone, even vacationed alone sometimes. I liked my solitude and enjoyed spending time trying to figure out me. Now the only time I am not around others is the 10 minutes I take a shower in the morning (if I am lucky and no one comes in to use the restroom). I haven't journaled in years and every time I decide I want to do something for myself (take a pottery class, sign up for yoga, etc) I end up feeling guilty because it takes money and time. I don't know...it's really strange. Now, we are on the brink of adding to the family so I see no sign of this changing. I know it's up to me to allow myself time and to return the parts of me I am missing.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Finish Line
So here I am nearing the finish line. It's like it is just over the hill. I know it's there, but I can't quite calculate how much longer it's going to take me. I try using every Math formula that I have ever not learned to figure out the exact moment I will run through the ribbon, but all I come up with is an intense desire for lemon drops.
I'm tired, but feeling much more energetic. I'm getting excited and I think I'm really allowing the fear that something is going to go wrong slowly dissapate. We have the bassinet and car seat ready. I dug out all of CJ's old clothes. I need to get some nightgowns and a few other items, but we are ready to head out.
The one year anniversary of loosing Lucy just passed. I thought it might bring me back into a deep depression, but it was okay. It's almost like passing the date made me say it's time to move forward. I was very sad, but I don't want this baby to feel that or to think that he isn't what I wanted. I mourned silently. Crying only a bit. Thinking of what she would look like today and wondering how I will react to being back into the hospital, but this time for a birth instead of a death. I still wonder if it had happened naturally or earlier would I still feel the same way. All I know is that one day my little girl's heart was beating and she was growing and a few days later they were wheeling me into the OR to take her lifeless body from me.
Now I am trying to only think of how happy we will be at the hospital this time. How much I enjoyed CJ's birth and how I hope this one goes as well. One thing we were a bit saddened by is that due to H1N1 CJ won't be able to come in to meet his little brother. I am hoping I'll be okay to go home quickly so that we can all be together.
I'm tired, but feeling much more energetic. I'm getting excited and I think I'm really allowing the fear that something is going to go wrong slowly dissapate. We have the bassinet and car seat ready. I dug out all of CJ's old clothes. I need to get some nightgowns and a few other items, but we are ready to head out.
The one year anniversary of loosing Lucy just passed. I thought it might bring me back into a deep depression, but it was okay. It's almost like passing the date made me say it's time to move forward. I was very sad, but I don't want this baby to feel that or to think that he isn't what I wanted. I mourned silently. Crying only a bit. Thinking of what she would look like today and wondering how I will react to being back into the hospital, but this time for a birth instead of a death. I still wonder if it had happened naturally or earlier would I still feel the same way. All I know is that one day my little girl's heart was beating and she was growing and a few days later they were wheeling me into the OR to take her lifeless body from me.
Now I am trying to only think of how happy we will be at the hospital this time. How much I enjoyed CJ's birth and how I hope this one goes as well. One thing we were a bit saddened by is that due to H1N1 CJ won't be able to come in to meet his little brother. I am hoping I'll be okay to go home quickly so that we can all be together.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Long Week
This pregnancy is moving right along. We still seem to have some disagreement about the due date. I've decided to ride it out. The baby will come when he wants to come or we'll induce in December. However, I can feel my body preparing already. I just hope the rest of me can get ready.
I'm really getting excited about the baby's arrival. However, this was a long week. It was national miscarriage and infant loss day yesterday. It took me by so much suprise and I really struggled with it. I cried at work, which is embarrassing even if no one sees you. I have really struggled with trying to be okay especailly now that I know this baby is fairly safe. It just doesn't change the fact that my daughter will never be here.
The other thing that has laid me out is these braxton hicks. Dr. Shawl says it may actually be pre-term labor since its so painful and there seems to be a rhythmic pattern to them. They are so painful. I had bad braxton hicks with CJ too, but I don't remember them hurting this much! Last night they lasted for almost two hours, but I was able to get them stopped by laying on my left side and drinking lots of water. We'll see.
I keep worrying that I won't know when I am in real labor because these hurt so bad and because last time I didn't realize I was in labor at all. I went in to be induced and Dr. Shawl pointed out that I had been in labor all night and was about 4 cm dilated. It didn't hurt really bad until I got to around 7 cm. Then it was like I was under attack.
I am nervous and exciting about this birth though. Being induced was nice because it was planned out and I am a planner, but I felt I didn't have much control over my labor because of it. This time I'm looking forward to a little more control and a little more uncertainty. I basically just laid in the bed all day until it was time to push last time because I had an internal monitor and couldn't walk around. This goes against everything I feel about labor and how it should go. I felt like I was delayed a bit because I couldn't walk or squat or do anything that felt natural. Hopefully, this time I will be able to do more of that.
I'm really getting excited about the baby's arrival. However, this was a long week. It was national miscarriage and infant loss day yesterday. It took me by so much suprise and I really struggled with it. I cried at work, which is embarrassing even if no one sees you. I have really struggled with trying to be okay especailly now that I know this baby is fairly safe. It just doesn't change the fact that my daughter will never be here.
The other thing that has laid me out is these braxton hicks. Dr. Shawl says it may actually be pre-term labor since its so painful and there seems to be a rhythmic pattern to them. They are so painful. I had bad braxton hicks with CJ too, but I don't remember them hurting this much! Last night they lasted for almost two hours, but I was able to get them stopped by laying on my left side and drinking lots of water. We'll see.
I keep worrying that I won't know when I am in real labor because these hurt so bad and because last time I didn't realize I was in labor at all. I went in to be induced and Dr. Shawl pointed out that I had been in labor all night and was about 4 cm dilated. It didn't hurt really bad until I got to around 7 cm. Then it was like I was under attack.
I am nervous and exciting about this birth though. Being induced was nice because it was planned out and I am a planner, but I felt I didn't have much control over my labor because of it. This time I'm looking forward to a little more control and a little more uncertainty. I basically just laid in the bed all day until it was time to push last time because I had an internal monitor and couldn't walk around. This goes against everything I feel about labor and how it should go. I felt like I was delayed a bit because I couldn't walk or squat or do anything that felt natural. Hopefully, this time I will be able to do more of that.
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