Everybody's Pregnancy

Okay, so I've been trying the positivity thing and getting some pretty good results. I've felt better and have had a bit more energy. Today though I'm dragging and I'm a bit stressed and a bit just...ugh! It really comes down to this...why is pregnancy the one time when everyone thinks it's okay to turn into something about them. I want to be excited when nine million people ask me how I'm feeling and discuss childbirth with me, but really I'm not. You know why? 'Cause they really don't want to know. It's like when they ask me when am I going to let myself rest and quit working. Today was just a tough day. Lots of questions and suggestions on when I should quit and what I should do with my work while I'm gone and how I'm pushing myself too far. Mind you, I gave birth about 6 weeks after the end of one semester of law school so really I'm not pushing that hard watching Amazing Race on Sunday night TV. Last time I felt very in control of my thoughts and how my pregnancy is going. This time I've just lost that. I feel like everyone is interjecting their opinion and trying to make decisions for me even if they are well-meaning. It doesn't help that I have a completely testosterone driven world. All of my friends are male. My husband's male. My doctor is male. My boss is male as is my closest colleague. While they try hard, their opinions just come across as patriarchal and at best ill-informed (with the exception of Casey who knows how to approach me). I think perhaps it is worse this time since I lost the ability to drive and rely on Casey for everything. I rarely have time to myself (Casey says work time is time to myself, but I do not think it counts) and even if I did take time I would end up feeling so guilty about it that it likely wouldn't be worth it. I used to hate the 60-90 minute commute each day, but I miss it now. It was the one time I could just sit with some thoughts and listen to music. I haven't listened to a CD is over a year. BLAH! Anyway, it was probably not necessary for me to rant this much, but I'm just feeling a bit out of control.

Positivity

I'm currently trying to work on being more positive. This summer has been crazy at work and the stress has really kept me down. The past few weeks I was starting to finally feel some of that second trimester energy, which is good considering I'm almost into the third trimester. Then last week I kind of plummeted again. I was just so exhausted from work. Saturday night I couldn't sleep and that led to all kinds of questions in my mind. I spent almost two hours crying and then being mad at myself for letting my emotions get the best of me. I just kept wondering if Lucy was born to another family and reliving the guilt of her passing.

Last night started out great. I was exhausted, but in a pretty good mood. Then something just snapped and I became so angry. Poor Casey was trying to be nice and get me things and I just felt like he was giving me an attitude so I lost it. I ended up staying up late and waking up all achy this morning. At some point in the midst of my shower this morning, I realized that my being negative isn't helping anything. In fact, being negative is taking so much more energy than being positive does. I am so blessed to have a great family, a job, another baby on the way, and that we were not hit like many families when Casey's job was eliminated.

Pregnancy after Miscarriage

I've decided to use this blog to try and keep track of some of the things I'm feeling this pregnancy...of the changes that are going on in my world and how they are affecting me. I hope I can use it not only to talk about the hard things, but as a place to share joys as well. Our other blog is more dedicated to updating family on the status of CJ and now the new baby. I don't really find my voice there as I rattle off CJ's accomplishments for the week. I don't know. I just feel like I've lost myself a bit.

I am now 23 weeks pregnant. By all accounts I'm healthy with a healthy and thriving baby inside of me. He or she moves a lot although not as much as CJ did. I should be extremely happy right now. I am. Really. Sometimes I have to remind myself, but I really am. I just never had any idea how hard being pregnant after a miscarriage would be. Lucy's (the daughter we lost) due date came and went somewhere around when I was 10 or 11 weeks. It was an ending of sorts. Once the date passed, I realized that it wasn't a dream. She wasn't coming. It was hard. So many said getting pregnant again will make up for the loss, but it doesn't.

I have been struggling to find out what lesson I was supposed to have learned by her passing. I look in the mirror as I grow bigger and worry that something will still happen with this pregnancy. I'm too cautious and too tired. I am worried that my fear and worries are effecting the baby inside of me. I get angry too often.

Mourning is a hard thing when you've lost a pregnancy. It's private. It's not something you are supposed to share with others. People have so many views on pregnancy, viability, fetuses v. babies. This miscarriage gets tied up into those things. It brings up to people the abortion debate. If I mourn a "baby" that only made it 11 weeks inside of me, then I am giving power to a pro life movement. If I don't then I am denying my true emotions. All of these things become so complicated for people, it seems best not to bring them up. It's best to simply not talk about it at all as if it never happened. The problem is that it did. The problem is that it will affect this pregnancy and any other pregnancies I may experience. I am not going to discuss my political views here, but on a personal level I am trying to mourn the loss of a child that I rarely feel comfortable even mentioning. It's strange and lonely to be in this position.

Missing

Tomorrow I will graduate law school. I will be walking across the stage in full academic regalia looking out at the audience and seeing my friends and family. They are so proud. You won't be there though. This triumph, made in part by your kindness, is what ultimately left you to part. It's strange to think that my life goes on without you even though at times I am still so angry and hurt by your parting. I feel as if you should be there as you've always been supporting me. Was law school even worth it? I lost you. I lost Lucy. How can this honor make up for the sacrifice that was made? I wish you were there.

Birthday

Lucy's due date is coming up. By now I would have likely been at home eagerly awaiting her arrival. All of us are thinking it and we miss her as if she was actually here. I have had people say to me that at least she wasn't born because how horrible it is for parents to lose a child. The thing is to me and it seems to many mothers it is the same thing. In my mind, I see her as a baby as a little girl with yellow curls bouncing behind her. I see her in a little dress stepping on the bus for the first time and I can hear her sweet laugh. I don't know. Maybe it's not normal, but it seems okay for me. An old school mate just lost her 11 week old son. I'm not sure how it happened, but it has instilled a great deal of fear in me. I feel for her and her family. I can't imagine how hard it is to explain to the other little kids. I'm 10 weeks pregnant now. We are excitedly cautious unsure at what point we will feel comfortable. Two ultrasounds with heartbeats, all tests come back with good numbers, and yet I am worried. For now, we're just concentrating on getting through the emotions that will come on Lucy's due date and making certain that she knows we don't think of the new baby as her replacement.

Fear

A friend recently blogged about fear and it got me thinking. It's amazing how most people would say that I have been fairly fearless in my life and I suppose in a way that is true. Now fear seems to be a constant in my world, fear to move on, fear to stay still, fear to become what I thought I wanted to become.

I started this entry a few weeks ago and hadn't found the time to return to it. Today I started a new one and realized that fear is difficult. Once you get past the monsters and you move on to the next level new monsters emerge. It takes a lot to stand up and be counted. It takes a lot to remember who you thought you wanted to be. The question that remains to be seen is "Is it worth it?" Does fighting the monsters make a difference or is it simply a futile and redundant game?

I'll let you know.

Lucy

We named her Lucy. Most people don't even know that... It's too hard for people to hear or understand. People find it strange...she wasn't ever even here. What they don't realize is that she was still mine. She was here inside of me...her little heart was beating next to mine. I never imagined it would be this hard. I can't sleep even with pills. I see her everywhere. I smell her sweet baby smell. I am doing better. I can now see other mothers with their little girls and not cry...at least not until later. Even still, I can't put away her blanket. I can't find a way to put the ultrasound in a box to try and close the chapter. Everyone wants to know when we will try again. I want to, but it's hard know that it won't bring her to me. I will always feel the loss of her sweet soul. I want to be logical and rational. To simple state these things happen...to believe people when they so lovingly state god knew what he was doing. She's better off. The problem is I can't. The problem is she was my daughter. The problem is Lucy will never know how much I love her.