Baby-wearing Mama

I am a baby-wearing, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, bed-sharing, redirecting, positive parenting, gender-neutral encouraging, child empowering, human respecting, Mama. When I look at those titles I see them as positive things, but I know (and have heard from) many people who seem to think that by choosing to parent in this way, I am somehow going to hurt my children or stunt their emotional growth or be an overprotective parent.

I find these people to completely misunderstand the style of parenting that I embrace. Take discipline for example. When I allow my children to make their own decisions (about the little things) good or bad, they learn independence. We often ask our kids, “do you want to make a good choice or a bad choice (and truthfully, I would even change the word “bad” to another one if I had thought of that early on)?” when it comes to a situation in which their behavior is not stellar. For instance, if my two-year-old is ready to throw a fit rather than start yelling (although that does happen on occasion), I try to redirect her to something that will give her back some control. If she continues, she gets the question. The question then gives her back some sense of control. I am not telling her to behave herself. I am giving her the choice to make the best decision for herself in the given situation. Another question we often ask is do you want to (insert whatever I am trying to get her to do) or do you want to go to the naughty chair? Sometimes she makes the decision to pull herself together and sometimes she chooses to go to the naughty chair (and do whatever behavior we asked her not to do). Why? Why take this much time to deal with the situation? Why not just swat her or put her in her room or yell at her or tell her to shut up? Well, because those things do not teach her to own up to her choices. They only teach her that Mama (or Daddy) is bigger and has more power than she does over her life.

What I find interesting is that I have had people think that this method is too “soft” on them. People have sometimes tried to jump in to correct them while I am using the method to hurry the process along or because they feel children should not be allowed to make those decisions. It really puts me in a strange place and gets my defenses up. I believe it takes a village to raise a child, but sometimes the Mama Mayor (or Daddy Mayor or co-Mayors) need to be in charge. I am a good Mama. My children are good children. However, they are children. They don’t always know the rules. They don’t always know their limits. They don’t always want to be reminded that they are only 5 or 2. I’d rather have them maintain some control over their lives than to correct them on every small detail that will work itself out as they grow a bit older. Moreover, I usually try to ask myself is this behavior that needs to be corrected at all? Is it hurting my child? Could it hurt them or anyone else? Is it something that they should not be doing in another context (school for instance)? If none of those things are happening, I try to evaluate why it is bothering me? For instance, can my son have his nails painted or carry a purse if he wants? Sure. None of that hurts anyone. He’ll either grow out of it or embrace it, but either way it will be his decision. Will I let him wear something that is massively offensive to others (shirts with curse words) when he gets older, probably not, because part of claiming respect for yourself is respecting others as well.

I am not sure if anyone is going to be interested, but I am going to start exploring some of these aspects on this blog- mostly as a way for me to understand how I got here and to share an “alternate” way to parent. (I had no idea that I was “alternative” until I saw a special on TV that labeled a lot of our practices as such.) I also think it would be nice to share these thoughts with my children when they decide to become parents.

Back Again

I decided that I would like to start blogging here again. Sometimes it feels weird to keep two blogs going at once, but our other blog is really meant to be an update on the kids. It's purpose seems different to me so I often feel strange talking about specific issues or questions I have. I think I would like to keep it mainly for those cute updates and use this spot for my thoughts, questions, etc.

I guess what has inspired me to start this again is the lack of another suitable outlet. I, like many moms (and dads) I think, do not have a regular set of friends that I run with on a normal basis. We live far away from family and while we have some good friends here they are faced with same hectic schedules and lack of sleep that we are faced with each week. I am guessing a lot of parents feel this way. I use Facebook to reconnect with friends who are also raising children, but it would be nice to have a few girlfriends to hang out with on a regular basis. Life is also different out here. I never realized how much I missed my roots until my kids started to get a bit bigger. It's like my thought processes do not match those around me anymore. It leaves us feeling isolated even though there are lots of individuals that I like.

I think the thing I want to stress the most before I start blogging is that this is only my (or my and Case's) way of parenting. I never want anyone to think that I am looking down on or questioning how they parent their children. Everyone is different, but I think if we can share tips and thoughts we might be able to save each other a lot of headache and heartache as we try to mentor this beautiful babies into amazing adults.

Kindergarten

The kindergarten search begins. I never could have imagined how much work it would be to figure out where to send my kid to school. The No Child Left Behind Act coupled with a brief stint as a substitute teacher has made me really consider whether or not public school is a good option. Add this to the fact that CJ will be a "young" kindergartner and there is so much research out there on how negatively this can impact boys and you have one confused Mama.

I feel like this is our first big test. This is the really the first big decision that we could royally screw up. It's intimidating. Do we delay kindergarten even though his teacher's say he's clearly smart enough for kindergarten? The issue isn't about smarts, it's about socialization and the ability to focus as well as his peers that are almost a whole year ahead of him. Do we just send him to the local public school because it's kindergarten and how bad can it really go? Can we get him into the kindergarten that I love? If we do get him in, can we afford to pay for it? Are we complete idiots for paying a fortune to send a kid to kindergarten? Should we do the local charter school even though the pictures make the kids look like little soldiers?

I'm feeling very stressed about the process. We're trying to take it one step at a time. We've visited our first school (the one I absolutely love) last weekend. There are some drawbacks, but I met the teacher and it really looks good. CJ liked it. We'll need a scholarship for him to attend that school though. I've made a list of about 6 schools for us to check out. Hopefully, we'll find several that feel right. Then we can look at the financial aspects. I'm beginning to think maybe I should go into corporate law just so that I can have the kind of money it takes to send CJ to a school I really like. It's amazing. I always thought that more time was more important than more money. I hope that is really true.

There's A Black One...

So...it's finally come up. The issue of race has hit our house. It's come up before, of course. CJ, like any child, has noticed the differences in skin tones and commented on who has brown, orange, peach skin before. Never before has he used the word Black to describe someone though. In fact, more than once I heard him correct someone who said a person had black skin..."It's brown not black...you are so silly." This morning though I'm doing a video on Exercise TV and he blurts it out...There's a black one. What? Where do you learn that? It's not like he used a bad word, but it's clear that the meaning had changed in his head. I don't know why or how. I quickly said something like "what do you think of him?" This was in an attempt to figure out where he heard it or if something had been said to him in a negative way. His response was "He looks cool." I let it go.

Now I am on the computer trying to locate information on how to teach my 4-year-old about race. I am feeling good about the positive steps we've made. CJ is exposed to diverse groups of people (although not as diverse as I would like) and we do take him to cultural events all the time. Many of his books are multicultural and many of his favorite shows are multicultural. That's great. I'm glad we can bring all of the positive images and experiences to him. I just don't know how to teach him the history and how to negate the negative images and stereotypes that he injests on a daily basis on TV and out and about around town. Is it appropriate to start explaining it to him now? I think it is. I don't believe in the "we're all the same" mentality because we are not all the same. I want him to know and understand (at the appropriate level for his age) that society isn't set up on an even playing field and that individuals face all kinds of different barriers (not just racial). Most importantly, I want him to understand that it's our responsibility to help lower those barriers not only for ourselves, but for other individuals as well.

If anyone has any great resources on the subject of teaching children about race, can you please forward me the titles? I am guessing that Ronald Takiki is a bit advanced, but simply putting on his favorite Little Bill episodes is probably not advanced enough at this point.

Technology Repeated

Okay...so I know I posted about technology awhile ago, but I have to bring it up again. I am just amazed by how easy it is for CJ to use technology. CJ has been playing on the computer for about 6 months. We would log him on to PBS Kids and sit and play games with him. We slowly began to let him play a few times on his own. About a month ago though Case was in the other room finishing up laundry when he heard what sounded like one of the games on PBS Kids. Thinking it strange as the laptop had been turned off and the lid was closed he came out to see what was going on. When he walked out he could not believe it. CJ had opened the computer, pushed the start button, clicked on the Internet, typed in PBS until the PBS Kids info came up, clicked on it, and picked out a game. He was happily playing the Georgie game. He just turned four in July. We were just shocked. He was told no playing computer without Mama or Daddy's permission. I just think it's so strange how kids just pick up on it. Mind you, Case or I are usually on the computer between school and work. Still I can't believe how easy it was for him to pick up. Now Case and I are trying to figure out if we need parental blocks and how to put them on. I just wonder if other kids are like this and if so what parents are doing about it. I know the suggestion is no more than two hours of total screen time per day, but honestly most days he gets more than that especially during the summer when he didn't have school.

Notice

So something really hit me this week and I wonder how many of my friends face the same thing so I thought I'd write about it. This week I came home from work and went about the evening as I do every night. About 4 hours or so after I was home, Casey finally asked me how I like his face. Those of you who know him know that he has a goatee. Now that he's a stay-at-home Dad his goatee can often times get a bit scraggly as it isn't so important for him to look groomed for the kids. Anyway, I really like it when he trims it down and shows a bit more of his face. I looked up from my book and saw that he had done just that, trimmed it down, and it looked great. It dawned on me that he had to have done it earlier that morning in the shower. I had seen that day for lunch and had been sitting no farther than 10 feet from him for over five hours and had not even noticed. It startled me a bit.

It's made me think how often do we go through life not noticing. Not seeing what is right in front of us. Case and I, like many couples with children, are often distracted. Added to the normal responsibilities, one of us is always in school in the evenings so we often pass by each other without much interaction. We are working on this. Still the fact that I obviously had not even looked at his face really bothered me. I remember when we were young how I could sit for hours and just stare into his big blue eyes. It's not that I have time to do that anymore, but you would like I would at least notice his face.

Last night it was the same type of thing. I came home from work. Case left for school. CJ was taking a nap. Ceirnan and I were playing when I suddenly remembered I needed to get on the computer to check on a work e-mail. Next thing I know I've spent over 20 min. looking at e-mail, checking Facebook, paying an online bill, and not being present. I wasted almost 20 min of time while Ceirnan crawled around. Oh, I looked up to make sure she was okay, but I really didn't see her. It made me sad to think about. I closed the computer and have vowed to stop...just stop...take notice...be present.

Technology Generation

Aah...technology. We all use it. We all love it. At least most of us do. I know I am certainly not the most technology driven person, but I use a fair bit of it each day. Why am I bring this up? Well, I'm a bit scared about where all this technology is taken us. As a college instructor, I am constantly reminding my students to put their phones away or watching them clearly spending time IMing on their computers while I am trying to teach. As a law school student, I saw the complete panic some of the younger students (I was about 10 years older than most of them) had when a professor simply stated no computers allowed in this class. I always found it interesting, but now finding that balance has become crucial to me.

CJ has become the technology wizard. He loves it. He sends text messages every night to his Nana. He could spend all day on the computer if we let him. We don't even have to help him. He knows how to use the mouse and flip back and forth around pbskids.org and sproutonline.com faster than I do. He loves it. On one hand, I figure it's better than TV because at least he's interacting and is playing educational games. He likes the games dealing with numbers and math the best. It's truly amazing to watch him click and navigate the web like it's second nature to him. On the other hand, I don't want him to become so addicted to those games that things like Chutes and Ladders are no longer fun. Don't get me wrong. He has a brilliant imagination, but I do worry that he'll lose that ability if he spends so much time on a something that can create things for him. Ceirnan is in on the act too. She has definitely figured out the importance of the cell phone and is always trying to play with the buttons. She loves the remote control too. I'm sure she'll follow right in her brother's footsteps.

I know the simple answer for now is to limit all of his screen time (TV and Computer), but I definitely wonder what a difference it will make in his life as we move forward.