Fear

A friend recently blogged about fear and it got me thinking. It's amazing how most people would say that I have been fairly fearless in my life and I suppose in a way that is true. Now fear seems to be a constant in my world, fear to move on, fear to stay still, fear to become what I thought I wanted to become.

I started this entry a few weeks ago and hadn't found the time to return to it. Today I started a new one and realized that fear is difficult. Once you get past the monsters and you move on to the next level new monsters emerge. It takes a lot to stand up and be counted. It takes a lot to remember who you thought you wanted to be. The question that remains to be seen is "Is it worth it?" Does fighting the monsters make a difference or is it simply a futile and redundant game?

I'll let you know.

Lucy

We named her Lucy. Most people don't even know that... It's too hard for people to hear or understand. People find it strange...she wasn't ever even here. What they don't realize is that she was still mine. She was here inside of me...her little heart was beating next to mine. I never imagined it would be this hard. I can't sleep even with pills. I see her everywhere. I smell her sweet baby smell. I am doing better. I can now see other mothers with their little girls and not cry...at least not until later. Even still, I can't put away her blanket. I can't find a way to put the ultrasound in a box to try and close the chapter. Everyone wants to know when we will try again. I want to, but it's hard know that it won't bring her to me. I will always feel the loss of her sweet soul. I want to be logical and rational. To simple state these things happen...to believe people when they so lovingly state god knew what he was doing. She's better off. The problem is I can't. The problem is she was my daughter. The problem is Lucy will never know how much I love her.