Moving?

Despite our frustration with not making everyone happy, we love being back. When we moved back to the East Coast almost seven years ago, I swore I would never move back here. I could not imagine wanting to live here- after all I had spent much of my early life trying to get out. We have been successful in Philly. We love the location. It's less than two hours to everything. I love the culture. I love the pace. I love that the ocean is so close. We've built a life there and because we were on our own we have very specific ways in which we do things. We've had lots of support from friends that have become like family there. It's been wonderful. It sounds terrible and it certainly isn't meant to hurt anyone, but we liked our solitude. We enjoyed our weekend trips and our ability to go where ever we wanted without hurting other people or accounting for our time. However, the big twist is...in the past year we've realized that we really want to move home.

Our family and friends are moving on, getting married, having children. The holidays come and we aren't here. CJ asks for his Pop Pop almost everyday. I have become extremely close with my mother and I miss her friendship when I am gone. I was such a tomboy and such a daddy's girl growing up that we didn't always get to spend as much time together. Now that I have my own daughter I want even more to have time with my Mama. To learn from her wisdom and to watch her enjoying her grandkids. It's important to me. I want my children to know their family. Even though we do a good job with phone calls and visits, it's not the same. My niece comes over to my parents a lot and I want that for my children too.

We'd like to stay out East until Casey finishes school in two years, but it's getting harder for all of us. We've been checking out jobs and I was even offered one at MU. It didn't pay enough though especially since Casey's tuition is paid. I guess we'll see how it goes. I will miss the East if we move back. I often just ask why everyone can't just come and live our dream. LOL!

Home

So we are in Kansas City. It's the first trip we've made here since last May for my brother's wedding. Coming home is always complicated and it always brings up a lot of emotionsfor Casey and I. It never seems like there is enough time to see everyone and inevitably someone's feelings get hurt or someone feels slighted. For weeks before the trip, I get nervous and stressed out about how we are going to keep everyone happy. Casey gets stressed as well too mostly listening to me try to work out what I think will work best. I try to come up with the greatest plan to make sure everyone is happy. The plan lasts until we touch down in Kansas City and then out the window it goes. I always end up finding myself changing the plans as people get frustrated. Don't get me wrong. I know it's only because everyone loves us and wants to see us. It's getting harder though now that we have two children.

Casey and I also created a precedent years ago before we had children where we don't stay together when we are in town either. I stay at my family home and he stays at his. It always used to work well, but this time it's been really hard. I'm up all night with the baby and don't have that normal support that I have at home. My parents are always saying just to wake them up, but I just can't seem to do that especially since its often only for a glass of water or just someone to tell me it's okay that I am crying from sleep deprivation. The worst part is that I know if I just tell Casey that he has to come over he would, but then I feel guilty and bad that I can't do it all on my own. It drives him crazy because I won't just tell him what I want. As if I know.

I told him yesterday that I needed him to come and spend the night. He did. We got back to my house from his Mom's around 8pm. I managed to grab a little nap before Ceirnan wanted to each again. He brought her down for her feeding after I had napped about an hour. She really enjoys staying up late so I knew this feeding would just get her going. After she was fed she was ready to party. It was around 12:30 a.m. Casey asked if he should stay up or go to sleep. I told him I didn't want to talk about it and let him go to sleep. Why couldn't I just say- yes, take her? I didn't want him to ask "should I stay up?" I wanted him to just take her and say you should sleep. Is that fair? Probably not. I am terrible at saying what I need because I feel like it means I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. Ceirnan must have been happy to have her Daddy there though sleeping in the bed with us because she slept for 5 1/2 hours. The longest yet!

I think the hardest part is that Case and I don't get a chance to connect at the end of the day. Living so far away from everyone really creates a unity because you must completely rely on each other. We don't have grandparents to call and watch our kids. We are almost always all together as a family. Casey and I rarely make even little decisions without checking in with each other because our actions are so interdependent. When we get to town it's like that line is just cut and it always stuns me. Suddenly it's like we're back to being kids talking on the phone late at night. Maybe I'm just being selfish, but it is hard.

I'm not sure how much of this even makes since. I do feel a bit more rested, but my brain still isn't tracking as well as it should. I love our family and I love visiting...I just wish we had our own house here too so we could all be together at the end of the day.