Progress Report

This week CJ's school had parent-teacher conferences. Yes, he's 3 1/2 and he already has a parent-teacher conference. Not only did we have a conference, we received a complete evaluation or progress report. Given that last year he was only 2 1/2 and was just becoming potty trained I'd say he progressed nicely. To be fair, the teacher thinks he doesn't have any real gaps either. The question is why did I feel so strange during the conference? Why did a feel a sense of defensiveness even though there was nothing to be defensive about. Partially, I think it's because I find it a bit strange that children so young are being "evaluated" even though it shows that the program he is in is a good one. Partially, I think it's because it's the first time we've been through it.

The teacher didn't really say anything that surprised me. CJ is above average in cognitive and language skills compared to his peers, but is a bit behind socially. This is precisely why we put him in preschool. It's also a bit frustrating because it's not something we can "help" with except to keep exposing him to children. We have absolutely no children around us and none of our friends have children. Unless we happen to go to a party where someone else's friends have children or are back in Kansas City, he gets no interaction with children outside of preschool and music school. The information did solidify our decision that we need to find some camps for CJ this summer just so that he can keep interacting with children. The teacher said he seems to like the other kids and he is very kind so they love him, but that he isn't likely to try and play with them or to join in a group. That raised more questions for me too- how much of those things are developmental and how much of those things are personality? One of the tools on the evaluation dealt with sensory toys (namely playdough) and it was marked he only likes to play with those things occasionally. Maybe the kid just doesn't like playdough or maybe he thinks that they aren't playing it right since Mama will only let him play it when there is wax paper down. How does not playing with playdough indicate that he might be a bit behind in Fine Motor skills?

The other thing he likes to do is visit every station (painting, blocks, etc) more than once during free time, which means he doesn't spend much time at each station. The teachers seem to think this is very odd and might be related to his development. However, CJ and I are a lot alike and I feel like I know why he does it. He likes lists and to check things off. For instance if I ask what he has done that day, he will say- ate breakfast... check, brushed teeth... check, went to Kmart with Daddy...check. I know it sounds strange, but that is completely the way I am and was. I can remember writing myself lists as young as around 6-7 at school just so I could put the check mark next to the item when I was done. I liked seeing all the check marks at the end of the day. Isn't that more of a personality thing that a developmental one? She doesn't seem to think that he can't concentrate at the task only that he likes to choose all of the tasks.

This conference also brought up an issue I've already started thinking about. When should CJ go to kindergarten. The teacher explained that some of his social delay is in line with his age, but are more apparent because he is the youngest one in his class. A couple of his peers are almost a whole year older than he is. It begs the question of whether we enroll him in kindergarten when he's five because he is smart or do we wait until he's six because his level of maturity will be more in line with that class? I don't think we really need to think about it this year, but it's definitely a concern of mine.

All in all it just made me realize this only gets harder.

Body Image

"I love the chub, chub, chub." This is a quote from the father of one of the children CJ goes to school with directed at Ceirnan. A man we don't really know at all and are certainly not friends with. It was followed up with "Don't tell my wife." (His wife is about 5 feet tall and maybe weighs around 90 lbs.) A week later we're at another party and again Ceirnan's leg is pinched and comments about how chubby she is are made. It has brought up a lot of emotions and struggles for me despite the fact that people who say it find it cute. These are not the first comments she's gotten. What I find interesting is that she's not really that chubby. She is at the lower end of the 50th percentile for weight and she actually weighs less than CJ did at her age. Everyone always commented on how thin CJ was when he was that size. He was a bit longer though. So the discrepancy has brought up to me is the fact that as a female she will likely always face body image issues while CJ will likely be spared from them simply because he's a boy. It is hard for me to swallow that the differences in the way we treat boys and girls start this early on.

For those who don't know, I am extremely overweight and have spent most of my life battling obesity. Even when I was thin in high school, I couldn't accept or see that I was thin and therefore suffered from an eating disorder. In law school, I just gave up the battle, gained a ton of weight, and am now trying to reclaim my life back. To do this, I've been looking at old pictures and trying to realize that there was a time that I was at a comfortable weight. The problem is that my size 8 frame was still a lot bigger than all of my friends who were size 2. Therefore, I never saw myself with a positive body image. Now I see people already putting Ceirnan into that race. I have already caught myself doing that. She was small when we brought her home (6lbs 5oz) and she gained about 5lbs over two months. I was so concerned. The pediatrician was applauding me for good breastfeeding especially since she was recovering from the injuries to her arm (which can cause children not to gain as much). I was absolutely worried that I was overfeeding her and that I would make her fat like me.

Now given this new phase where people feel it is acceptable to comment on her "chubbiness", I am asking myself how to ensure that I don't repeat the cycle of bad body image. I grew up with lots of amazing people around me, but I can remember constantly hearing how I wasn't as skinny as my cousins or how if I just lost 5 lbs I would be in great shape. The comments were meant to help and motivate me, but instead crippled and alienated me. I do not want to do that to my daughter. I want her to feel like she can be healthy for the sake of being healthy not because some person or media outlet says she needs to look like the newest Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen. I do not want her to walk in my footsteps and become obese, but I want to ensure that she avoids that path in a positive, healthy way. She has a girl cousin who is likely to be extremely tall and thin. How to I keep people from comparing the two? Ceirnan isn't likely to have those genes. How can I keep her from feeling like she isn't as beautiful because she has curves. Who would have thought this issues would come up so early?

Anyway, I'm really not sure of the answers to these questions. I'm barely beginning to delve into them for myself. For now, I suppose the best thing I can do is continue to encourage healthy eating and exercise for CJ (and Ceirnan as she grows). I can't control what others say to her, but I can certainly explain why I think it's inappropriate if someone does say something.

The Party

So CJ received his first invitation to a birthday party for one of his friends from school last week. He was so excited. He couldn't wait to go. I on the other hand realized that we were starting a new phase. The phase where Mama is taking out of her comfort zone into the learning to make small talk with other parents you don't know and have nothing in common with. A lot of people who know me don't realize that I have a bit of social anxiety. Alright, more than a bit. I do fine in specific groups such as classrooms of students or volunteering at an agency, but I do not enjoy and have a lot of anxiety about situations that require small talk. I spent two days looking at this invitation before I even called to RSVP. The conversation with the mother was sufficiently awkward as I explained who I was and stated that CJ would be attending.

The other hard part is that most of the kids who CJ goes to school with have mother's who know each other. Most of the mom's stay at home and they all go to church together. We don't go to that church and Case says none of the mom's will even talk with him when he stands in line to pick CJ up. Needless to say, I was extremely nervous. The second issue was that the party was scheduled for Valentine's Day. Now I was not only going to have to pull it together and figure out something to say, I had to do it on a day I just wanted to spend with my family.

The party went fine. It was at Gymboree. Most of the mom's completely ignored me, but that was okay. The hostess was extremely nice and one of the other mom's said hi. Her daughter and CJ play a lot at school. It was okay. Most importantly CJ had a great time, which he repeatedly said to me. That was worth it, but it just made me realize I'm only at the beginning of this.