It's been awhile since I blogged. Life kind of caught me by surprise and I've been working through it a bit. The past three years have brought about so many changes and a great deal of loss. There are nights when I sit up...a lot of nights actually...with a heavy heart wondering when things will "get back on track". The days are not so bad. Life is busy. My children laughing can sustain me for hours. Hugs, kisses, and I love yous are a staple in our house. We seldom go more than an hour without one of us showing some love.
At night though...it's different. I'm often lost. I lay in bed thinking about the kind of woman I want to be...the kind of woman I want my daughter to see. Then things hit me. The loss of my best friend who is still alive but is unreachable to me. The loss of my grandparents and how it ties into my feelings of having no roots. How I used to love the fact that I/we had no roots...we could pick up tomorrow...we could be anywhere we wanted. The realization that ultimately I can only rely on myself and that I must make difficult decisions on my own. I think of how life deals everyone blows and if God is up there what he or she wants us to get from all of this.
Last night was a good night. My father is in town, some friends came for dinner, CJ sang songs for me. All should have been right by the world, but I was still up all night. I miss my daughter. It's strange to me that I can miss a child that was never born. I'm sure it's strange to other people too. I love Ceirnan so much and I think about how if we didn't lose Lucy we wouldn't have Ceirnan. However, I just want both of them. Lucy is just such a real presence in my mind and in my heart. I feel her missing on holidays and I think about what she would be doing now. I know it's a process, but I'm not certain I'll ever feel differently.
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