First, I just want to make clear that every mother needs to make a decision about breastfeeding on her own and in the best interest of her child. I have plenty of friends who have chosen formula or have supplemented with formula for a variety of reasons. I am not one of the women who looks down on other mothers for making decisions that are different than my own especially when those decisions are necessary for the happiness or health of their children. All that being said...here is my discussion on breastfeeding.
It's hard. LOL! No one tells women how hard and tiring breastfeeding can be, which is why many women get frustrated and give up. I was lucky. Both on my children took to breastfeeding immediately. Don't get me wrong there is a bit of a learning curve, but they both pretty much latched on right after the were born. CJ didn't let go for two years. I believe in the health benefits of breastfeeding and exclusively provide breast milk for the first year until cow's milk can be given.
It's amazing. It creates, in my opinion, a wonderful bond with your child and allows you time to soak up motherhood. Since they both loved to feed I spent the first 6-8 weeks feeding and feeding and feeding and feeding them. There are times when it doesn't feel amazing. When you are so tired you think you're going to pass out. When you do pass out and then feel guilty because maybe he or she could have fallen. When you realize that you will never again have the same shape you once did.
However, breastfeeding is especially important to me being a working mother. With CJ in particular, I really felt like I was missing out. I had to work;I was in law school during the evenings; and the commute was an hour or so each way. We really couldn't afford for me to stay home or at least we thought we couldn't at the time. The time that I spent breastfeeding was CJ and Mama time. It was the one thing I could give to him that no one else could. With Ceirnan a lot of the same feelings are there, but its not as stressful because my husband is a stay-at-home dad now, we live within five minutes of work, and I finished school.
I remember vividly breastfeeding in the car outside of the law school or running back to Philly (a 60 min. drive) to breastfeed quickly before turning around and going halfway back before school. It was stressful. The more stressful part was pumping. I know some women who swear by it, but the breast pump is my nemesis. I hate it. I hate all that it represents. I hate having to sit in my office and attempt to think about my child (who I am heartbroken to leave) and try to squeeze out enough ounces for the baby while I'm gone.
This time around it's easier. I'm pumping 2-3 bottles a day while she is only eating 1 bottle a day. I've got piles of milk frozen. It's awesome. With CJ I had to pump around 24-32 oz per day since I was gone so much. There were times when it just didn't happen. Then I would panic and be up half the night trying to get a bit more out. Then there are days, like today, when I forget the pump so I just sit here hurting and knowing that it's going to be that much harder tomorrow since my body is catching the signal that I don't need as much milk any more.
I'm glad that I do it. I feel good about it even when people think I'm crazy for it. Even when I get stares from people if I'm out. It makes me feel like I may never be able to give them all that they need, but at least I can give them this.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Progress Report
This week CJ's school had parent-teacher conferences. Yes, he's 3 1/2 and he already has a parent-teacher conference. Not only did we have a conference, we received a complete evaluation or progress report. Given that last year he was only 2 1/2 and was just becoming potty trained I'd say he progressed nicely. To be fair, the teacher thinks he doesn't have any real gaps either. The question is why did I feel so strange during the conference? Why did a feel a sense of defensiveness even though there was nothing to be defensive about. Partially, I think it's because I find it a bit strange that children so young are being "evaluated" even though it shows that the program he is in is a good one. Partially, I think it's because it's the first time we've been through it.
The teacher didn't really say anything that surprised me. CJ is above average in cognitive and language skills compared to his peers, but is a bit behind socially. This is precisely why we put him in preschool. It's also a bit frustrating because it's not something we can "help" with except to keep exposing him to children. We have absolutely no children around us and none of our friends have children. Unless we happen to go to a party where someone else's friends have children or are back in Kansas City, he gets no interaction with children outside of preschool and music school. The information did solidify our decision that we need to find some camps for CJ this summer just so that he can keep interacting with children. The teacher said he seems to like the other kids and he is very kind so they love him, but that he isn't likely to try and play with them or to join in a group. That raised more questions for me too- how much of those things are developmental and how much of those things are personality? One of the tools on the evaluation dealt with sensory toys (namely playdough) and it was marked he only likes to play with those things occasionally. Maybe the kid just doesn't like playdough or maybe he thinks that they aren't playing it right since Mama will only let him play it when there is wax paper down. How does not playing with playdough indicate that he might be a bit behind in Fine Motor skills?
The other thing he likes to do is visit every station (painting, blocks, etc) more than once during free time, which means he doesn't spend much time at each station. The teachers seem to think this is very odd and might be related to his development. However, CJ and I are a lot alike and I feel like I know why he does it. He likes lists and to check things off. For instance if I ask what he has done that day, he will say- ate breakfast... check, brushed teeth... check, went to Kmart with Daddy...check. I know it sounds strange, but that is completely the way I am and was. I can remember writing myself lists as young as around 6-7 at school just so I could put the check mark next to the item when I was done. I liked seeing all the check marks at the end of the day. Isn't that more of a personality thing that a developmental one? She doesn't seem to think that he can't concentrate at the task only that he likes to choose all of the tasks.
This conference also brought up an issue I've already started thinking about. When should CJ go to kindergarten. The teacher explained that some of his social delay is in line with his age, but are more apparent because he is the youngest one in his class. A couple of his peers are almost a whole year older than he is. It begs the question of whether we enroll him in kindergarten when he's five because he is smart or do we wait until he's six because his level of maturity will be more in line with that class? I don't think we really need to think about it this year, but it's definitely a concern of mine.
All in all it just made me realize this only gets harder.
The teacher didn't really say anything that surprised me. CJ is above average in cognitive and language skills compared to his peers, but is a bit behind socially. This is precisely why we put him in preschool. It's also a bit frustrating because it's not something we can "help" with except to keep exposing him to children. We have absolutely no children around us and none of our friends have children. Unless we happen to go to a party where someone else's friends have children or are back in Kansas City, he gets no interaction with children outside of preschool and music school. The information did solidify our decision that we need to find some camps for CJ this summer just so that he can keep interacting with children. The teacher said he seems to like the other kids and he is very kind so they love him, but that he isn't likely to try and play with them or to join in a group. That raised more questions for me too- how much of those things are developmental and how much of those things are personality? One of the tools on the evaluation dealt with sensory toys (namely playdough) and it was marked he only likes to play with those things occasionally. Maybe the kid just doesn't like playdough or maybe he thinks that they aren't playing it right since Mama will only let him play it when there is wax paper down. How does not playing with playdough indicate that he might be a bit behind in Fine Motor skills?
The other thing he likes to do is visit every station (painting, blocks, etc) more than once during free time, which means he doesn't spend much time at each station. The teachers seem to think this is very odd and might be related to his development. However, CJ and I are a lot alike and I feel like I know why he does it. He likes lists and to check things off. For instance if I ask what he has done that day, he will say- ate breakfast... check, brushed teeth... check, went to Kmart with Daddy...check. I know it sounds strange, but that is completely the way I am and was. I can remember writing myself lists as young as around 6-7 at school just so I could put the check mark next to the item when I was done. I liked seeing all the check marks at the end of the day. Isn't that more of a personality thing that a developmental one? She doesn't seem to think that he can't concentrate at the task only that he likes to choose all of the tasks.
This conference also brought up an issue I've already started thinking about. When should CJ go to kindergarten. The teacher explained that some of his social delay is in line with his age, but are more apparent because he is the youngest one in his class. A couple of his peers are almost a whole year older than he is. It begs the question of whether we enroll him in kindergarten when he's five because he is smart or do we wait until he's six because his level of maturity will be more in line with that class? I don't think we really need to think about it this year, but it's definitely a concern of mine.
All in all it just made me realize this only gets harder.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Body Image
"I love the chub, chub, chub." This is a quote from the father of one of the children CJ goes to school with directed at Ceirnan. A man we don't really know at all and are certainly not friends with. It was followed up with "Don't tell my wife." (His wife is about 5 feet tall and maybe weighs around 90 lbs.) A week later we're at another party and again Ceirnan's leg is pinched and comments about how chubby she is are made. It has brought up a lot of emotions and struggles for me despite the fact that people who say it find it cute. These are not the first comments she's gotten. What I find interesting is that she's not really that chubby. She is at the lower end of the 50th percentile for weight and she actually weighs less than CJ did at her age. Everyone always commented on how thin CJ was when he was that size. He was a bit longer though. So the discrepancy has brought up to me is the fact that as a female she will likely always face body image issues while CJ will likely be spared from them simply because he's a boy. It is hard for me to swallow that the differences in the way we treat boys and girls start this early on.
For those who don't know, I am extremely overweight and have spent most of my life battling obesity. Even when I was thin in high school, I couldn't accept or see that I was thin and therefore suffered from an eating disorder. In law school, I just gave up the battle, gained a ton of weight, and am now trying to reclaim my life back. To do this, I've been looking at old pictures and trying to realize that there was a time that I was at a comfortable weight. The problem is that my size 8 frame was still a lot bigger than all of my friends who were size 2. Therefore, I never saw myself with a positive body image. Now I see people already putting Ceirnan into that race. I have already caught myself doing that. She was small when we brought her home (6lbs 5oz) and she gained about 5lbs over two months. I was so concerned. The pediatrician was applauding me for good breastfeeding especially since she was recovering from the injuries to her arm (which can cause children not to gain as much). I was absolutely worried that I was overfeeding her and that I would make her fat like me.
Now given this new phase where people feel it is acceptable to comment on her "chubbiness", I am asking myself how to ensure that I don't repeat the cycle of bad body image. I grew up with lots of amazing people around me, but I can remember constantly hearing how I wasn't as skinny as my cousins or how if I just lost 5 lbs I would be in great shape. The comments were meant to help and motivate me, but instead crippled and alienated me. I do not want to do that to my daughter. I want her to feel like she can be healthy for the sake of being healthy not because some person or media outlet says she needs to look like the newest Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen. I do not want her to walk in my footsteps and become obese, but I want to ensure that she avoids that path in a positive, healthy way. She has a girl cousin who is likely to be extremely tall and thin. How to I keep people from comparing the two? Ceirnan isn't likely to have those genes. How can I keep her from feeling like she isn't as beautiful because she has curves. Who would have thought this issues would come up so early?
Anyway, I'm really not sure of the answers to these questions. I'm barely beginning to delve into them for myself. For now, I suppose the best thing I can do is continue to encourage healthy eating and exercise for CJ (and Ceirnan as she grows). I can't control what others say to her, but I can certainly explain why I think it's inappropriate if someone does say something.
For those who don't know, I am extremely overweight and have spent most of my life battling obesity. Even when I was thin in high school, I couldn't accept or see that I was thin and therefore suffered from an eating disorder. In law school, I just gave up the battle, gained a ton of weight, and am now trying to reclaim my life back. To do this, I've been looking at old pictures and trying to realize that there was a time that I was at a comfortable weight. The problem is that my size 8 frame was still a lot bigger than all of my friends who were size 2. Therefore, I never saw myself with a positive body image. Now I see people already putting Ceirnan into that race. I have already caught myself doing that. She was small when we brought her home (6lbs 5oz) and she gained about 5lbs over two months. I was so concerned. The pediatrician was applauding me for good breastfeeding especially since she was recovering from the injuries to her arm (which can cause children not to gain as much). I was absolutely worried that I was overfeeding her and that I would make her fat like me.
Now given this new phase where people feel it is acceptable to comment on her "chubbiness", I am asking myself how to ensure that I don't repeat the cycle of bad body image. I grew up with lots of amazing people around me, but I can remember constantly hearing how I wasn't as skinny as my cousins or how if I just lost 5 lbs I would be in great shape. The comments were meant to help and motivate me, but instead crippled and alienated me. I do not want to do that to my daughter. I want her to feel like she can be healthy for the sake of being healthy not because some person or media outlet says she needs to look like the newest Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen. I do not want her to walk in my footsteps and become obese, but I want to ensure that she avoids that path in a positive, healthy way. She has a girl cousin who is likely to be extremely tall and thin. How to I keep people from comparing the two? Ceirnan isn't likely to have those genes. How can I keep her from feeling like she isn't as beautiful because she has curves. Who would have thought this issues would come up so early?
Anyway, I'm really not sure of the answers to these questions. I'm barely beginning to delve into them for myself. For now, I suppose the best thing I can do is continue to encourage healthy eating and exercise for CJ (and Ceirnan as she grows). I can't control what others say to her, but I can certainly explain why I think it's inappropriate if someone does say something.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The Party
So CJ received his first invitation to a birthday party for one of his friends from school last week. He was so excited. He couldn't wait to go. I on the other hand realized that we were starting a new phase. The phase where Mama is taking out of her comfort zone into the learning to make small talk with other parents you don't know and have nothing in common with. A lot of people who know me don't realize that I have a bit of social anxiety. Alright, more than a bit. I do fine in specific groups such as classrooms of students or volunteering at an agency, but I do not enjoy and have a lot of anxiety about situations that require small talk. I spent two days looking at this invitation before I even called to RSVP. The conversation with the mother was sufficiently awkward as I explained who I was and stated that CJ would be attending.
The other hard part is that most of the kids who CJ goes to school with have mother's who know each other. Most of the mom's stay at home and they all go to church together. We don't go to that church and Case says none of the mom's will even talk with him when he stands in line to pick CJ up. Needless to say, I was extremely nervous. The second issue was that the party was scheduled for Valentine's Day. Now I was not only going to have to pull it together and figure out something to say, I had to do it on a day I just wanted to spend with my family.
The party went fine. It was at Gymboree. Most of the mom's completely ignored me, but that was okay. The hostess was extremely nice and one of the other mom's said hi. Her daughter and CJ play a lot at school. It was okay. Most importantly CJ had a great time, which he repeatedly said to me. That was worth it, but it just made me realize I'm only at the beginning of this.
The other hard part is that most of the kids who CJ goes to school with have mother's who know each other. Most of the mom's stay at home and they all go to church together. We don't go to that church and Case says none of the mom's will even talk with him when he stands in line to pick CJ up. Needless to say, I was extremely nervous. The second issue was that the party was scheduled for Valentine's Day. Now I was not only going to have to pull it together and figure out something to say, I had to do it on a day I just wanted to spend with my family.
The party went fine. It was at Gymboree. Most of the mom's completely ignored me, but that was okay. The hostess was extremely nice and one of the other mom's said hi. Her daughter and CJ play a lot at school. It was okay. Most importantly CJ had a great time, which he repeatedly said to me. That was worth it, but it just made me realize I'm only at the beginning of this.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Moving?
Despite our frustration with not making everyone happy, we love being back. When we moved back to the East Coast almost seven years ago, I swore I would never move back here. I could not imagine wanting to live here- after all I had spent much of my early life trying to get out. We have been successful in Philly. We love the location. It's less than two hours to everything. I love the culture. I love the pace. I love that the ocean is so close. We've built a life there and because we were on our own we have very specific ways in which we do things. We've had lots of support from friends that have become like family there. It's been wonderful. It sounds terrible and it certainly isn't meant to hurt anyone, but we liked our solitude. We enjoyed our weekend trips and our ability to go where ever we wanted without hurting other people or accounting for our time. However, the big twist is...in the past year we've realized that we really want to move home.
Our family and friends are moving on, getting married, having children. The holidays come and we aren't here. CJ asks for his Pop Pop almost everyday. I have become extremely close with my mother and I miss her friendship when I am gone. I was such a tomboy and such a daddy's girl growing up that we didn't always get to spend as much time together. Now that I have my own daughter I want even more to have time with my Mama. To learn from her wisdom and to watch her enjoying her grandkids. It's important to me. I want my children to know their family. Even though we do a good job with phone calls and visits, it's not the same. My niece comes over to my parents a lot and I want that for my children too.
We'd like to stay out East until Casey finishes school in two years, but it's getting harder for all of us. We've been checking out jobs and I was even offered one at MU. It didn't pay enough though especially since Casey's tuition is paid. I guess we'll see how it goes. I will miss the East if we move back. I often just ask why everyone can't just come and live our dream. LOL!
Our family and friends are moving on, getting married, having children. The holidays come and we aren't here. CJ asks for his Pop Pop almost everyday. I have become extremely close with my mother and I miss her friendship when I am gone. I was such a tomboy and such a daddy's girl growing up that we didn't always get to spend as much time together. Now that I have my own daughter I want even more to have time with my Mama. To learn from her wisdom and to watch her enjoying her grandkids. It's important to me. I want my children to know their family. Even though we do a good job with phone calls and visits, it's not the same. My niece comes over to my parents a lot and I want that for my children too.
We'd like to stay out East until Casey finishes school in two years, but it's getting harder for all of us. We've been checking out jobs and I was even offered one at MU. It didn't pay enough though especially since Casey's tuition is paid. I guess we'll see how it goes. I will miss the East if we move back. I often just ask why everyone can't just come and live our dream. LOL!
Home
So we are in Kansas City. It's the first trip we've made here since last May for my brother's wedding. Coming home is always complicated and it always brings up a lot of emotionsfor Casey and I. It never seems like there is enough time to see everyone and inevitably someone's feelings get hurt or someone feels slighted. For weeks before the trip, I get nervous and stressed out about how we are going to keep everyone happy. Casey gets stressed as well too mostly listening to me try to work out what I think will work best. I try to come up with the greatest plan to make sure everyone is happy. The plan lasts until we touch down in Kansas City and then out the window it goes. I always end up finding myself changing the plans as people get frustrated. Don't get me wrong. I know it's only because everyone loves us and wants to see us. It's getting harder though now that we have two children.
Casey and I also created a precedent years ago before we had children where we don't stay together when we are in town either. I stay at my family home and he stays at his. It always used to work well, but this time it's been really hard. I'm up all night with the baby and don't have that normal support that I have at home. My parents are always saying just to wake them up, but I just can't seem to do that especially since its often only for a glass of water or just someone to tell me it's okay that I am crying from sleep deprivation. The worst part is that I know if I just tell Casey that he has to come over he would, but then I feel guilty and bad that I can't do it all on my own. It drives him crazy because I won't just tell him what I want. As if I know.
I told him yesterday that I needed him to come and spend the night. He did. We got back to my house from his Mom's around 8pm. I managed to grab a little nap before Ceirnan wanted to each again. He brought her down for her feeding after I had napped about an hour. She really enjoys staying up late so I knew this feeding would just get her going. After she was fed she was ready to party. It was around 12:30 a.m. Casey asked if he should stay up or go to sleep. I told him I didn't want to talk about it and let him go to sleep. Why couldn't I just say- yes, take her? I didn't want him to ask "should I stay up?" I wanted him to just take her and say you should sleep. Is that fair? Probably not. I am terrible at saying what I need because I feel like it means I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. Ceirnan must have been happy to have her Daddy there though sleeping in the bed with us because she slept for 5 1/2 hours. The longest yet!
I think the hardest part is that Case and I don't get a chance to connect at the end of the day. Living so far away from everyone really creates a unity because you must completely rely on each other. We don't have grandparents to call and watch our kids. We are almost always all together as a family. Casey and I rarely make even little decisions without checking in with each other because our actions are so interdependent. When we get to town it's like that line is just cut and it always stuns me. Suddenly it's like we're back to being kids talking on the phone late at night. Maybe I'm just being selfish, but it is hard.
I'm not sure how much of this even makes since. I do feel a bit more rested, but my brain still isn't tracking as well as it should. I love our family and I love visiting...I just wish we had our own house here too so we could all be together at the end of the day.
Casey and I also created a precedent years ago before we had children where we don't stay together when we are in town either. I stay at my family home and he stays at his. It always used to work well, but this time it's been really hard. I'm up all night with the baby and don't have that normal support that I have at home. My parents are always saying just to wake them up, but I just can't seem to do that especially since its often only for a glass of water or just someone to tell me it's okay that I am crying from sleep deprivation. The worst part is that I know if I just tell Casey that he has to come over he would, but then I feel guilty and bad that I can't do it all on my own. It drives him crazy because I won't just tell him what I want. As if I know.
I told him yesterday that I needed him to come and spend the night. He did. We got back to my house from his Mom's around 8pm. I managed to grab a little nap before Ceirnan wanted to each again. He brought her down for her feeding after I had napped about an hour. She really enjoys staying up late so I knew this feeding would just get her going. After she was fed she was ready to party. It was around 12:30 a.m. Casey asked if he should stay up or go to sleep. I told him I didn't want to talk about it and let him go to sleep. Why couldn't I just say- yes, take her? I didn't want him to ask "should I stay up?" I wanted him to just take her and say you should sleep. Is that fair? Probably not. I am terrible at saying what I need because I feel like it means I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. Ceirnan must have been happy to have her Daddy there though sleeping in the bed with us because she slept for 5 1/2 hours. The longest yet!
I think the hardest part is that Case and I don't get a chance to connect at the end of the day. Living so far away from everyone really creates a unity because you must completely rely on each other. We don't have grandparents to call and watch our kids. We are almost always all together as a family. Casey and I rarely make even little decisions without checking in with each other because our actions are so interdependent. When we get to town it's like that line is just cut and it always stuns me. Suddenly it's like we're back to being kids talking on the phone late at night. Maybe I'm just being selfish, but it is hard.
I'm not sure how much of this even makes since. I do feel a bit more rested, but my brain still isn't tracking as well as it should. I love our family and I love visiting...I just wish we had our own house here too so we could all be together at the end of the day.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Ceirnan's Birth: Faster Delivery, Longer Recovery
So she is nearing three weeks old and I am just sitting to write out her birth story. It's been an adjustment, but I will get to all of that later. For now, I'll start at the beginning.
I would say Ceirnan's birth story started way before her actual birth date. On Thanksgiving (4 days before she was born), I woke up feeling really sick. I spent the day in a chair in our living room with a wash cloth over my eyes because my head hurt so badly. It seemed I had developed a sinus infection or something. I went through 2 full boxes of tissue that day and even had to give myself a breathing treatment. I kept trying to decide if I should go to the hospital because I had just finished taking antibiotics and my doctor had warned me if they didn't work, I could have something serious. I decide not to go though and just drank a lot of hot tea and wrapped up in a blanket. I was truly miserable.
The next day I woke up feeling a bit better. We were planning on putting up our Christmas tree and I didn't want to miss seeing CJ's face. Around 9 am, I started having contractions. At first, I thought they were braxton hicks, but they quickly developed into a pattern. I waited about 3 hours until the contractions were around 7-8 minutes apart for awhile. I decided to take a shower in case it was for real. After the shower, I laid back down for a bit and the contractions tampered off.
The rest of the weekend was rather uneventful. I had some more contractions, but nothing quite as rhythmic as Friday morning. We spent Sunday giving CJ all of our time. We went for a long drive with my Dad who had come into town on Tuesday to be with us. We had a great lunch at a cute pub by the bay, took CJ to the park, and got ice cream. That night I packed my bag for the hospital since I had a doctor's appointment in the morning. I did not want to change Organ's when we moved from Philadelphia to Newark so I wanted to take my bag with me just in case. Newark to Philly is around an hour away.
Monday morning came and I woke up feeling like this was they day. I had no idea though how things would go. I first had to go to the ultrasound office for a biophysical ultrasound and non-stress test. The tech couldn't do a great non-stress test, but took my blood pressure and was concerned because it was pretty high- 180/100. I went to the ultrasound room for the biophysical scan. The baby looked good. Good breathing. Amniotic fluid levels were good. Heart rate was good. The tech went to get the ultrasound specialist to clear me so I could head to Dr. Shawl's for my regular appointment. In the meantime, another nurse came in and took my blood pressure again. It was down a bit, but not great. The specialist decided to call Dr. Shawl to see what he recommended. Next thing I knew it, I was checking in on the maternity ward. Dr. Shawl had decided I should go ahead and deliver just in case.
CJ was an induction so I knew a little of what to expect. I got changed, got my IV in, tried to get comfortable in the bed, and waited. Dr. Shawl came over and checked me. Sure enough I had already been contracting and was dilated to between 3-4, 100% effaced. He broke my water and the contractions began coming fast and hard. I was almost immediately in a rhythm at about every 5 minutes. Dr. Shawl put an internal monitor in, which attaches to the baby's head. We were off. After about an hour, the nurse came in and started some petocin to speed up the contractions. They were about every 3 minutes at this point and the petocin really stepped up the level of pressure. I had been doing okay until then. I was still coughing quite a bit and had a lot of congestion. I was trying to rest because I was afraid I wouldn't have enough strength to push. As the pain level rose, so did my blood pressure at some points reaching over 200. The nurses explained that pain will increase the pressure and asked me if I wanted an epidural. I had one with CJ, but I had hoped to avoid it or at least wait a bit longer. I had done almost all of CJ's without one and really felt like I could have avoided it if I had known how close I was to the end when I finally gave in. This time I was getting concerned over my pressure though and honestly was feeling exhausted already even a bit defeated. I decided to go for it.
After the epidural was in, I simply rolled over and closed my eyes. This time around was so different from CJs. During his delivery, it was like a party. My dad and best friend John were there along with Casey and we watched movies, joked around, listened to music. This time, I just slept while Casey did homework. Around 4pm I sat straight up realizing that I had to throw up. Poor Casey couldn't find anything other than a bed pan for me to use. Luckily it was clean. Around 5:30 pm Dr. Shawl came in and said I was 7 cm dilated. I thought "we are in for a long night". The epidural was wearing off and I began to feel more contractions. About an hour later, the nurse came in and said Dr. Shawl said it was about time to push. I was surprised to say the least given I had only been about 7 cm.
Dr. Shawl came in almost right behind her and started setting up. Suddenly I started feeling the urge to push. It was like seeing the equipment set my body in motion. Dr. Shawl laughed and told me to hold on a minute so he could go pee. He is such a crazy doc. By the time be got back in there, I thought I was going to split in two. He came over and told me to push. I took the position (chin down, legs up), and started pushing. I was amazed at how normal it felt. With CJ, I remember not even knowing how to push correctly. I pushed down with all my might until around the count of 7. Then Dr. Shawl said to stop. I was confused a second since it was my first push, but I heard him with the suction. I sat forward and said is she out? Dr. Shawl said she will be with one more push. I pushed again and out she came. Two pushes! I was in shock. I pushed with CJ for 90 minutes or so. Just I was trying to comprehend she was really out, I heard him say...it's a girl!
I sat straight up. What? Then Casey saying...What? Are you kidding? The noises slowly faded to the background. We thought it was a going to be a boy. We weren't sure and had her name picked out in case, but we were still in shock. Suddenly I looked at Casey and he looked as white as a ghost. He started to pass out. This was something we knew might happened as he hates all medical things and the sight of blood. The medical staff began working on him as he sank into a chair. My nurse however laid Ceirnan on my stomach and I got lost in her eyes. I hugged her and kissed her. I had not been aware that Casey got faint because he had seen her arm. At that moment, I heard Dr. Shawl say to call the neonatologist that something was wrong.
Ceirnan's right arm had a strange wound pattern and the forearm was smaller than her left forearm. The doctors came in and frankly had no idea what was wrong with her. They said she had to go to the NICU for the night at least and that they would start her on antibiotics. They continued to check her out while Dr. Shawl sewed me up and helped me deliver the placenta. It's always strange to me how the birth seems natural but the rest of it seems so medical. I suddenly became acutely aware of the massive number of people in the room as Dr. Shawl continued to joke and chat with me. My nurse was so wonderful. She insisted that I get to spend some time with the baby and stated she would bring Ceirnan down in a few minutes. I put Cerinan to the breast and cuddled her for about 20-30 minutes. By this time Casey was okay, but we were both in such shock. It came time for her to go much too soon and I said good-bye as they wheeled her away.
I got up and headed to the bathroom. I walked around for about 10 minutes and was feeling pretty good. Then suddenly it was my turn to go faint. I quickly sat and couldn't get up. They brought down my bed for transport, but I couldn't walk to it. After about 5 minutes, I forced myself to get up knowing that the sooner I could lay down the better I would feel. They wheeled my upstairs where I went into my room. The nice part of PA hospital and my insurance is that I had a private room with a pull out bed for Casey. He headed down to the NICU to be with Ceirnan as I settled in for an IV bad of fluids. The nurse kept coming in to check my pressure as it remained high. I was told that as soon as the fluids were in my system I could go see Ceirnan. What I wasn't told is that the bag wouldn't be done until around 4 am.
That night was really hard as I was still feeling the staring of high blood pressure and was so concerned about her. Case stayed down there most of the night until he was having a hard time staying awake while holding her. The next morning I went down and greeted by a whole team of doctors who basically said no one knows what happened, but we think she is going to be just fine. The next three days Ceirnan stayed in the NICU. The NICU was strange. The nurses were incredible and I felt blessed knowing the Ceirnan was not as sick as many of the other babies there. However, it was still terrifying. It was hard to hold her because of all of the wires. Her leads kept falling off, which would set off an alarm. The room was filled with the sounds of beeping and loud noises. It always seemed really dark too. She was so tiny to me, but bigger than most of the babies there. Her discharge weight was 6lbs 6oz compared to CJ's 7lbs 9oz. Since I am breastfeeding, I trekked from the 5th to the 2nd floor every couple of hours. I would have stayed down there all day, but I need to get regular blood pressure checks. My blood pressure was slowly gong down, but was still not good.
I don't think it helped that no one really could say what happened to our girl. She was blessed to be seen by some of the top docs in the country. She had a team including a pediatrician, dermatologists, interns, neonatologists, and plastic surgeons looking her over. The specialists were all from CHOP and were extremely interested in her case. Originally they thought the umbilical cord might have been wrapped around her arm, then they considered an amniotic band which is tissue that cuts off circulation, or aplaysia which causes skin not to grow in certain areas. None of them to fit exactly though. The reality is we will likely never know what happened. They all decided to finally let us go though with several appointments set up for follow-up. Dr. Shawl kept me an extra day. Ceirnan was kept an extra day too. We were finally discharged on December 3 in the afternoon.
Since we've been home there have been lots of doctors appointments both with her pediatrician and with the specialist at CHOP. Despite being scary, Ceirnan did wonderful and we are just so happy that she is here and is doing well. Her arm is healing nicely. She will likely require physical therapy for her hand and her arm will likely stay thinner than her other arm. Still, she is happy and healthy. I plan on writing more about this whole process later.
I would say Ceirnan's birth story started way before her actual birth date. On Thanksgiving (4 days before she was born), I woke up feeling really sick. I spent the day in a chair in our living room with a wash cloth over my eyes because my head hurt so badly. It seemed I had developed a sinus infection or something. I went through 2 full boxes of tissue that day and even had to give myself a breathing treatment. I kept trying to decide if I should go to the hospital because I had just finished taking antibiotics and my doctor had warned me if they didn't work, I could have something serious. I decide not to go though and just drank a lot of hot tea and wrapped up in a blanket. I was truly miserable.
The next day I woke up feeling a bit better. We were planning on putting up our Christmas tree and I didn't want to miss seeing CJ's face. Around 9 am, I started having contractions. At first, I thought they were braxton hicks, but they quickly developed into a pattern. I waited about 3 hours until the contractions were around 7-8 minutes apart for awhile. I decided to take a shower in case it was for real. After the shower, I laid back down for a bit and the contractions tampered off.
The rest of the weekend was rather uneventful. I had some more contractions, but nothing quite as rhythmic as Friday morning. We spent Sunday giving CJ all of our time. We went for a long drive with my Dad who had come into town on Tuesday to be with us. We had a great lunch at a cute pub by the bay, took CJ to the park, and got ice cream. That night I packed my bag for the hospital since I had a doctor's appointment in the morning. I did not want to change Organ's when we moved from Philadelphia to Newark so I wanted to take my bag with me just in case. Newark to Philly is around an hour away.
Monday morning came and I woke up feeling like this was they day. I had no idea though how things would go. I first had to go to the ultrasound office for a biophysical ultrasound and non-stress test. The tech couldn't do a great non-stress test, but took my blood pressure and was concerned because it was pretty high- 180/100. I went to the ultrasound room for the biophysical scan. The baby looked good. Good breathing. Amniotic fluid levels were good. Heart rate was good. The tech went to get the ultrasound specialist to clear me so I could head to Dr. Shawl's for my regular appointment. In the meantime, another nurse came in and took my blood pressure again. It was down a bit, but not great. The specialist decided to call Dr. Shawl to see what he recommended. Next thing I knew it, I was checking in on the maternity ward. Dr. Shawl had decided I should go ahead and deliver just in case.
CJ was an induction so I knew a little of what to expect. I got changed, got my IV in, tried to get comfortable in the bed, and waited. Dr. Shawl came over and checked me. Sure enough I had already been contracting and was dilated to between 3-4, 100% effaced. He broke my water and the contractions began coming fast and hard. I was almost immediately in a rhythm at about every 5 minutes. Dr. Shawl put an internal monitor in, which attaches to the baby's head. We were off. After about an hour, the nurse came in and started some petocin to speed up the contractions. They were about every 3 minutes at this point and the petocin really stepped up the level of pressure. I had been doing okay until then. I was still coughing quite a bit and had a lot of congestion. I was trying to rest because I was afraid I wouldn't have enough strength to push. As the pain level rose, so did my blood pressure at some points reaching over 200. The nurses explained that pain will increase the pressure and asked me if I wanted an epidural. I had one with CJ, but I had hoped to avoid it or at least wait a bit longer. I had done almost all of CJ's without one and really felt like I could have avoided it if I had known how close I was to the end when I finally gave in. This time I was getting concerned over my pressure though and honestly was feeling exhausted already even a bit defeated. I decided to go for it.
After the epidural was in, I simply rolled over and closed my eyes. This time around was so different from CJs. During his delivery, it was like a party. My dad and best friend John were there along with Casey and we watched movies, joked around, listened to music. This time, I just slept while Casey did homework. Around 4pm I sat straight up realizing that I had to throw up. Poor Casey couldn't find anything other than a bed pan for me to use. Luckily it was clean. Around 5:30 pm Dr. Shawl came in and said I was 7 cm dilated. I thought "we are in for a long night". The epidural was wearing off and I began to feel more contractions. About an hour later, the nurse came in and said Dr. Shawl said it was about time to push. I was surprised to say the least given I had only been about 7 cm.
Dr. Shawl came in almost right behind her and started setting up. Suddenly I started feeling the urge to push. It was like seeing the equipment set my body in motion. Dr. Shawl laughed and told me to hold on a minute so he could go pee. He is such a crazy doc. By the time be got back in there, I thought I was going to split in two. He came over and told me to push. I took the position (chin down, legs up), and started pushing. I was amazed at how normal it felt. With CJ, I remember not even knowing how to push correctly. I pushed down with all my might until around the count of 7. Then Dr. Shawl said to stop. I was confused a second since it was my first push, but I heard him with the suction. I sat forward and said is she out? Dr. Shawl said she will be with one more push. I pushed again and out she came. Two pushes! I was in shock. I pushed with CJ for 90 minutes or so. Just I was trying to comprehend she was really out, I heard him say...it's a girl!
I sat straight up. What? Then Casey saying...What? Are you kidding? The noises slowly faded to the background. We thought it was a going to be a boy. We weren't sure and had her name picked out in case, but we were still in shock. Suddenly I looked at Casey and he looked as white as a ghost. He started to pass out. This was something we knew might happened as he hates all medical things and the sight of blood. The medical staff began working on him as he sank into a chair. My nurse however laid Ceirnan on my stomach and I got lost in her eyes. I hugged her and kissed her. I had not been aware that Casey got faint because he had seen her arm. At that moment, I heard Dr. Shawl say to call the neonatologist that something was wrong.
Ceirnan's right arm had a strange wound pattern and the forearm was smaller than her left forearm. The doctors came in and frankly had no idea what was wrong with her. They said she had to go to the NICU for the night at least and that they would start her on antibiotics. They continued to check her out while Dr. Shawl sewed me up and helped me deliver the placenta. It's always strange to me how the birth seems natural but the rest of it seems so medical. I suddenly became acutely aware of the massive number of people in the room as Dr. Shawl continued to joke and chat with me. My nurse was so wonderful. She insisted that I get to spend some time with the baby and stated she would bring Ceirnan down in a few minutes. I put Cerinan to the breast and cuddled her for about 20-30 minutes. By this time Casey was okay, but we were both in such shock. It came time for her to go much too soon and I said good-bye as they wheeled her away.
I got up and headed to the bathroom. I walked around for about 10 minutes and was feeling pretty good. Then suddenly it was my turn to go faint. I quickly sat and couldn't get up. They brought down my bed for transport, but I couldn't walk to it. After about 5 minutes, I forced myself to get up knowing that the sooner I could lay down the better I would feel. They wheeled my upstairs where I went into my room. The nice part of PA hospital and my insurance is that I had a private room with a pull out bed for Casey. He headed down to the NICU to be with Ceirnan as I settled in for an IV bad of fluids. The nurse kept coming in to check my pressure as it remained high. I was told that as soon as the fluids were in my system I could go see Ceirnan. What I wasn't told is that the bag wouldn't be done until around 4 am.
That night was really hard as I was still feeling the staring of high blood pressure and was so concerned about her. Case stayed down there most of the night until he was having a hard time staying awake while holding her. The next morning I went down and greeted by a whole team of doctors who basically said no one knows what happened, but we think she is going to be just fine. The next three days Ceirnan stayed in the NICU. The NICU was strange. The nurses were incredible and I felt blessed knowing the Ceirnan was not as sick as many of the other babies there. However, it was still terrifying. It was hard to hold her because of all of the wires. Her leads kept falling off, which would set off an alarm. The room was filled with the sounds of beeping and loud noises. It always seemed really dark too. She was so tiny to me, but bigger than most of the babies there. Her discharge weight was 6lbs 6oz compared to CJ's 7lbs 9oz. Since I am breastfeeding, I trekked from the 5th to the 2nd floor every couple of hours. I would have stayed down there all day, but I need to get regular blood pressure checks. My blood pressure was slowly gong down, but was still not good.
I don't think it helped that no one really could say what happened to our girl. She was blessed to be seen by some of the top docs in the country. She had a team including a pediatrician, dermatologists, interns, neonatologists, and plastic surgeons looking her over. The specialists were all from CHOP and were extremely interested in her case. Originally they thought the umbilical cord might have been wrapped around her arm, then they considered an amniotic band which is tissue that cuts off circulation, or aplaysia which causes skin not to grow in certain areas. None of them to fit exactly though. The reality is we will likely never know what happened. They all decided to finally let us go though with several appointments set up for follow-up. Dr. Shawl kept me an extra day. Ceirnan was kept an extra day too. We were finally discharged on December 3 in the afternoon.
Since we've been home there have been lots of doctors appointments both with her pediatrician and with the specialist at CHOP. Despite being scary, Ceirnan did wonderful and we are just so happy that she is here and is doing well. Her arm is healing nicely. She will likely require physical therapy for her hand and her arm will likely stay thinner than her other arm. Still, she is happy and healthy. I plan on writing more about this whole process later.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
