Long Week

This pregnancy is moving right along. We still seem to have some disagreement about the due date. I've decided to ride it out. The baby will come when he wants to come or we'll induce in December. However, I can feel my body preparing already. I just hope the rest of me can get ready.

I'm really getting excited about the baby's arrival. However, this was a long week. It was national miscarriage and infant loss day yesterday. It took me by so much suprise and I really struggled with it. I cried at work, which is embarrassing even if no one sees you. I have really struggled with trying to be okay especailly now that I know this baby is fairly safe. It just doesn't change the fact that my daughter will never be here.

The other thing that has laid me out is these braxton hicks. Dr. Shawl says it may actually be pre-term labor since its so painful and there seems to be a rhythmic pattern to them. They are so painful. I had bad braxton hicks with CJ too, but I don't remember them hurting this much! Last night they lasted for almost two hours, but I was able to get them stopped by laying on my left side and drinking lots of water. We'll see.

I keep worrying that I won't know when I am in real labor because these hurt so bad and because last time I didn't realize I was in labor at all. I went in to be induced and Dr. Shawl pointed out that I had been in labor all night and was about 4 cm dilated. It didn't hurt really bad until I got to around 7 cm. Then it was like I was under attack.

I am nervous and exciting about this birth though. Being induced was nice because it was planned out and I am a planner, but I felt I didn't have much control over my labor because of it. This time I'm looking forward to a little more control and a little more uncertainty. I basically just laid in the bed all day until it was time to push last time because I had an internal monitor and couldn't walk around. This goes against everything I feel about labor and how it should go. I felt like I was delayed a bit because I couldn't walk or squat or do anything that felt natural. Hopefully, this time I will be able to do more of that.