Finish Line

So here I am nearing the finish line. It's like it is just over the hill. I know it's there, but I can't quite calculate how much longer it's going to take me. I try using every Math formula that I have ever not learned to figure out the exact moment I will run through the ribbon, but all I come up with is an intense desire for lemon drops.

I'm tired, but feeling much more energetic. I'm getting excited and I think I'm really allowing the fear that something is going to go wrong slowly dissapate. We have the bassinet and car seat ready. I dug out all of CJ's old clothes. I need to get some nightgowns and a few other items, but we are ready to head out.

The one year anniversary of loosing Lucy just passed. I thought it might bring me back into a deep depression, but it was okay. It's almost like passing the date made me say it's time to move forward. I was very sad, but I don't want this baby to feel that or to think that he isn't what I wanted. I mourned silently. Crying only a bit. Thinking of what she would look like today and wondering how I will react to being back into the hospital, but this time for a birth instead of a death. I still wonder if it had happened naturally or earlier would I still feel the same way. All I know is that one day my little girl's heart was beating and she was growing and a few days later they were wheeling me into the OR to take her lifeless body from me.

Now I am trying to only think of how happy we will be at the hospital this time. How much I enjoyed CJ's birth and how I hope this one goes as well. One thing we were a bit saddened by is that due to H1N1 CJ won't be able to come in to meet his little brother. I am hoping I'll be okay to go home quickly so that we can all be together.