Self

I am so happy being a mother. I think motherhood brought out qualities in me that I never imagined I had. For instance, I am so patient with CJ. I can sit, fascinated watching him try something over and over when my normal personality would be to jump in and do it for him. It's just so neat to see him achieve something on his own. I can take slow walks and ignore my calendar. I no longer need a watch or have to check the time every 10 minutes. It's great. I believe most people would say I've always been pretty understanding and sympathetic perhaps to a fault, but motherhood has really brought more things into perspective for me. It often makes me pause to truly see what impact my actions are having on the world around me and how that will then impact my children's lives and the lives of those around them.

This being said...it's sometimes strange to see the new person I've become. I sometimes feel that I've left too much of myself go. Before I had CJ I swore I wouldn't be one of those moms who lost everything for the sake of the children (yeah...I didn't even realize how judgemental that sounded). Now, I look back and wonder where that woman went. I was the type who took time for herself, journaled, went to movies alone, even vacationed alone sometimes. I liked my solitude and enjoyed spending time trying to figure out me. Now the only time I am not around others is the 10 minutes I take a shower in the morning (if I am lucky and no one comes in to use the restroom). I haven't journaled in years and every time I decide I want to do something for myself (take a pottery class, sign up for yoga, etc) I end up feeling guilty because it takes money and time. I don't know...it's really strange. Now, we are on the brink of adding to the family so I see no sign of this changing. I know it's up to me to allow myself time and to return the parts of me I am missing.

Finish Line

So here I am nearing the finish line. It's like it is just over the hill. I know it's there, but I can't quite calculate how much longer it's going to take me. I try using every Math formula that I have ever not learned to figure out the exact moment I will run through the ribbon, but all I come up with is an intense desire for lemon drops.

I'm tired, but feeling much more energetic. I'm getting excited and I think I'm really allowing the fear that something is going to go wrong slowly dissapate. We have the bassinet and car seat ready. I dug out all of CJ's old clothes. I need to get some nightgowns and a few other items, but we are ready to head out.

The one year anniversary of loosing Lucy just passed. I thought it might bring me back into a deep depression, but it was okay. It's almost like passing the date made me say it's time to move forward. I was very sad, but I don't want this baby to feel that or to think that he isn't what I wanted. I mourned silently. Crying only a bit. Thinking of what she would look like today and wondering how I will react to being back into the hospital, but this time for a birth instead of a death. I still wonder if it had happened naturally or earlier would I still feel the same way. All I know is that one day my little girl's heart was beating and she was growing and a few days later they were wheeling me into the OR to take her lifeless body from me.

Now I am trying to only think of how happy we will be at the hospital this time. How much I enjoyed CJ's birth and how I hope this one goes as well. One thing we were a bit saddened by is that due to H1N1 CJ won't be able to come in to meet his little brother. I am hoping I'll be okay to go home quickly so that we can all be together.