Self

I am so happy being a mother. I think motherhood brought out qualities in me that I never imagined I had. For instance, I am so patient with CJ. I can sit, fascinated watching him try something over and over when my normal personality would be to jump in and do it for him. It's just so neat to see him achieve something on his own. I can take slow walks and ignore my calendar. I no longer need a watch or have to check the time every 10 minutes. It's great. I believe most people would say I've always been pretty understanding and sympathetic perhaps to a fault, but motherhood has really brought more things into perspective for me. It often makes me pause to truly see what impact my actions are having on the world around me and how that will then impact my children's lives and the lives of those around them.

This being said...it's sometimes strange to see the new person I've become. I sometimes feel that I've left too much of myself go. Before I had CJ I swore I wouldn't be one of those moms who lost everything for the sake of the children (yeah...I didn't even realize how judgemental that sounded). Now, I look back and wonder where that woman went. I was the type who took time for herself, journaled, went to movies alone, even vacationed alone sometimes. I liked my solitude and enjoyed spending time trying to figure out me. Now the only time I am not around others is the 10 minutes I take a shower in the morning (if I am lucky and no one comes in to use the restroom). I haven't journaled in years and every time I decide I want to do something for myself (take a pottery class, sign up for yoga, etc) I end up feeling guilty because it takes money and time. I don't know...it's really strange. Now, we are on the brink of adding to the family so I see no sign of this changing. I know it's up to me to allow myself time and to return the parts of me I am missing.